Season 5 Game 01 – (4th to 7th August 2017)


THE ‘Edd The Duck’s Quacks Don’t Echo for Peggy Mitchell’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Andi Peters (47), Lee Mack (46) and Barbara Windsor (80).


‘Wigan’s left back is red carded – Did Elder have a senior moment?’ [Callum Elder]
Chris: ‘MacLaren puts Montrose in pole position’ [Connor MacLaren] AND ‘Josh Ruffels Oldham’s feathers’
Howard: ‘Did Lyle ‘Lovett’ when he scored (for Queen of The South)’ [Derek Lyle]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney…
is currently enjoying a world tour, first stop being Pyongyang.
Our friend assumes all that rumbling going on underground is from The Great Deceiver having a spring clean around their denizens. They are still very much keeping tabs on the football though and Beckford of Bury, Obika at Oxford and Costa at Wolves drew the ire of the dark side. Beckford was only one of these to score, though he also missed a penalty. On hearing this news, the hand pronounced itself ‘satisfied’ with the week’s proceedings.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley –
Your panel of experts (who said ‘laughing squad’?) are in agreement over Coventry’s Jodi Jones taking the honours in this here category.

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
We thought we had a winner here in Fulham’s Harrison Paton, who appeared to be at Stenhousemuir, alas there are two players who share the name, and Stenny’s Paton is on loan from Heart of Midlothian. And doesn’t he look thrilled to be there.

With this in mind, we’ll go with Ipswich Town’s Joe Garner, whose last three clubs are Preston North End, Glasgow Rangers and the Tractor Boys.

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
There’s quite a bit of antipathy for Lee Johnson amongst the Barnsley fans after his walkout on the Oakwell outfit to join Bristol City in February 2016. The reasons for his abrupt departure may be explained by the exodus of players from The Tykes in the recent offseason and, conversely, the £8m spent on just two players by The Robins’ moneyed owners. The subsequent 3-1 opening day win by Bristol City probably gave Johnson a very warm feeling inside.

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Barnsley’s turnover of players since last season pales in comparison to Yeovil Town, who racked up 3 wins in their last 27 games of last season. Rumours of a disunited dressing appeared to be confirmed with the subsequent departures of captain and vice captain taking less money to join such luminaries as Newport County and Cheltenham Town respectively. All this has seen the Huish Park team become nailed-on favourites to be the 92nd club come June 2018.

Luton Town, on the other hand, have spent well recently (on players such as Yeovil’s ‘keeper Marek Stech) and are one of the favourites for automatic promotion.

Luton 8-2 Yeovil. At least Yeovil scored first.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Not too many fixtures ended in chastening losses after a lengthy road trip, the best I could find is Portsmouth 2-0 Rochdale and a 488 mile round trip for the ‘Dale’s (Much thought went into that nickname) hardy away support.

Incidentally, the Luton Town v Yeovil Town fixture mentioned in the previous category deserves a mention here as the Yeovil players refunded the 258 fans who made the journey up to Bedfordshire after their abject display.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
– called Luton Town v Yeovil Town, called at 3-1 on 25 min – Finished: 8-2 – FAILED!
– called Edinburgh City v Montrose called at 0-3 on 46 min – Finished: 1-3 – FAILED!
– called Bristol City v Barnsley called at 2-0 on 23 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!


As you may expect, the opening day of the season bought a swathe of Make Ya Ma Proud’s, with Lee Novak at Charlton Athletic (straight red card on 6 minutes), the aforementioned Callum Elder collecting a second yellow on his debut, but the winner is Leeds United midfielder Conor Shaughnessy, who signed from Reading in the off-season, and gave away a converted penalty less than a minute into his debut and without actually touching the ball.

Honourable Mention to Lyndon Dykes scoring for Queen Of The South, which we found rather amusing. We hope he took a lot of pride in that goal (and were there scouts from Brighton there?)…

The Results

Gabriel Agbonlahor (Aston Villa)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)

Russell Martin (Norwich City) o.g.
Conor Washington (Queen’s Park Rangers) x2
Nathaniel Knight-Percival (Bradford City)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)

Alan McCormack (Luton Town)
Conor McAleny (Fleetwood Town) x2
Frank Nouble (Newport County)
Jamal Campbell-Ryce (Barnet)
Joe Pigott (Maidstone United on loan from Cambridge United)
Myles Weston (Ebbsfleet United)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)


Ben Davies (Grimsby Town)
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra) x2
Jamal Campbell-Ryce (Barnet)
Michael O’Halloran (St Johnstone)
Michael Tonge (Port Vale)
Otis Khan (Yeovil Town)

OVERALL RESULT – Bought to you this week by Sir Cornelius Fudge, the Minister for Magic in the Harry Potter movies. (RIP Robert Hardy): A SURPRISE OPENING DAY WIN FOR THE ADDICKS!