Season 7 Game 11 (27-30 September)

THE ‘I Quit The Complicated Wimbledon Final’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of the Goss bros. (Matt and Luke) – 51, Avril Lavigne (35) and Simone Halep (28).

Barney: [nothing ventured]
Chris: [nothing gained]
Howard: “Kabongo Tshimanga scores – will they be drinking in the Congo?”. OR “Dundee’s 6th was scored by Logan Chalmers [who would qualify for Born in Burberry] – clearly they failed to stop Logan’s Run” (we may have had this before, but hey…).
Also worth noting Wiggy’s own Zinger (since we’re missing two anyway) – “Heaver’s scored….are they fighting like Heavers?” [Sean Heaver of Stirling Albion really, but this is a good reason for a repeat of Chris Kamara in action – LINK]

Decided its wardrobe was (rather like itself and Harry Redknapp’s teams in February) down to the bare bones and made haste to the local clothes shop to purchase some new threads. The proprietor, a Mr Bokassa, was in the process of re-naming the store ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes’ though the Hand doubted anyone outside of this shop would ever call it that.

Slightly dismayed by the boss’ dictatorial attitude, the Hand put some ‘oomph’ into the jinxing of Chorley’s Chris Holroyd (who didn’t even make the team!), Euan East at Albion Rovers and Huddersfield Town’s Karlan Grant and nabbed a clean sweep of blanks.

If memory serves, we had a PAGGA! reported last week, so it follows there won’t be any this week and, lo and behold, there weren’t.

Two good examples at Sheffield Wednesday v Middlesboro – Adam Reach (6 goals in 63 games during his 5 year spell at the Riverside) and new Owls boss Garry Monk (manager for 26 games, whose six-month spell came to a surprise end with a 2-1 win at….Sheffield Wednesday!). Barney reports that Reach didn’t celebrate his goal, but after current Boro boss Jonathan Woodgate’s pre-match comments about his opposite number (“I hardly ever saw him and he wasn’t familiar around the players”) – we bet Garry Monk certainly did.
Also we must mention Jonson Clarke-Harris – 9 goals in 71 for Rotherham United, who scored for Bristol Rovers…at Rotherham. This turned out to be the only goal of the game.

Well…Milton Keynes Dons fans’ unrewarding away trip up to sunny Sunderland ended 2-1 to the hosts, but I think the winner looks like Portsmouth 1-0 Bolton Wanderers, which, at best was a 516-mile round trip approximately taking 8 hours 40 to see a game that narrowly avoided qualifying for the Paul Robinson category. Dedication. That’s what you need.

Barney also noted the Tranmere Rovers fans, who travelled just the 502 miles and 521 minutes there and back to witness a 4-1 loss. The Wirral’s finest bard (so some say), Half Man Half Biscuit’s Nigel Blackwell has written songs about less edifying efforts.

Barney – [nothing called] – FAILED!
– called Oxford United v Gillingham at 3-0 on 34 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
– called Sheffield United v Liverpool at 0-0, a few minutes before their early kick-off – Finished: 0-1 – FAILED!

At times of direst need, we turn to regular Fred Onyedinma of Wycombe Wanderers, briefly considering Paddy Madden of Fleetwood Town. But at the 11th hour, Wilfred Ndidi of Leicester City did Ndidi save the day (sorry). He’s a proper Wilfred, unlike Mr. Zaha.
“Fance a game of sho’happeny Fred?” “Aye, Wilf”.

The best appeared to be Barnet v Solihull Moors. Described in the BBC’s report as “an afternoon of few chances”, the stats made it Barnet – 10 shots (6 on target) to Solihull’s 2 (1 off, 1 on). The cheapest adult ticket is £15. Doesn’t that seem worth it? Even the £1 kids ticket seemed overpriced for this one. EDIT: Barney reckons it was just 6 shots in total (3 on target), but either way, I still fail to see how Barnet’s site managed to make 4 minutes and 54 seconds of highlights from it.

Two 40 year olds scored today – Kenny Miller and Kevin Ellison (well, he will be 40 in December – it’s close enough!). They will be talking about the war in the tunnel later, about ‘when it were all fields round ‘ere’, and then will be helped into their Invacar mobility cars by their grandchildren Kayden and Colby.

Despite having to get his finger drained *DON’T ASK*, Barney managed to note a couple of “You’re Not A Kid Anymore” in the shape of Luton Town’s Matty Pearson and Oxford United’s Matty Taylor.

Gary Gardner (Birmingham City)
James Tavernier (Rangers) x2
Jimmy Smith (Yeovil Town on loan from Crawley Town)

Adam Clayton (Middlesbrough) o.g.
Charlie Lee (Yeovil Town)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Bristol Rovers)
Kane Ferdinand (Woking)
Matt Stevens (Forest Green Rovers) x2

charlton02Danny Hollands (Eastleigh)
Jamie Ward (Scunthorpe United)
Josh Wright (Leyton Orient) x2
Martyn Waghorn (Derby County)
Patrick Bauer (Preston North End)

A blank!

Ben Whiteman (Doncaster Rovers)
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Jamie Ward (Scunthorpe United)
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)


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