Season 9 Game 03 (20-23 August)

THE ‘Little Earthquakes Break Things in 9.58 seconds’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named due to the weekend birthdays of Tori Amos (58) Fred Durst (51) and Usain Bolt (35).

Barney: ‘Only the Alloa player knows ‘Howie’ got two yellows within 34 minutes’
Chris: [a suspicious blank]
Howard: ‘Fulham make it 2-0 – Cue the Fresh ‘Hull’

Was indeed at the WI again, though quite perturbed at the sparse turnout for the guest speaker, a Mr Mojo, who waxed lyrical regarding the subject of ‘How To Attract Friends’. The decayed one couldn’t help but notice how crowded the room had been before he’d been introduced but they remained rapt throughout and would certainly be looking forward to the next month’s lecture.

With its attention elsewhere, it wasn’t wholly surprised by the news Bradford City’s Andy Cook scored, but still arranged for Brentford’s Ivan Toney and QPR’s Lyndon Dykes not to trouble the goalscoring column.

Always a long shot to come through and we didn’t note any rumbles which saw one off from either side. That’s because there weren’t any.

On the contrary, this category always comes through and there were so many players from overseas scoring for League 1 and below teams that Priti Patel (the offspring of Ugandan Asians herself) sent out the Immigration vans just in case. Zimbabwe-born Macauley Bonne was the first of many, but we also saw Congolese natives Offrande Zanzala (Barrow) and Kabongo Tshimanga (Chesterfield) netting.

In terms of unlikely settings Portuguese striker Ruben Soares-Junior scoring for Queen Of The South takes the rosette. Here’s the 21 year old in one of the most cliched signing pictures of all time: [LINK].

Burton Albion’s Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink does a fine job at the Pirelli Stadium but a 3-0 away loss to Cambridge United from 2 own goals and a deflection would’ve been ample reason for him to launch the cannons, but the former Leeds United man was gracious in defeat though not really vitriolic towards his own team’s performance. Regular viewers will be mightily unsurprised to read there’s more on this result in the Miscellaneous section.

Delighted to report that Luton Town 0-5 Birmingham City drew an unexpectedly brutal missive from Hatters’ boss Nathan Jones, who is almost as well known for his evangelical Christianity as he is for his managerial acumen:

“It’s not often we put in performances like that but today we’ve been a mile off in both boxes. The work-rate, the aggression wasn’t there today. We were lacking in the real important bits and I don’t know why.
We’ve put in as many good set-plays as them but they’ve got their head on theirs and scored. The third goal absolutely kills us – we give it away on the edge of their box and that’s just symptomatic of us today.
I’m a little bit embarrassed by the performance. If we put in too many like that we’re not going to be anywhere near where we want to be”

We had some worries about this as there wasn’t too many new boys scoring who could polish the shoes of established types such as Dominic Calvert-Lewin. Happily for some of the housemasters with ‘a reputation’ Queen Of the South’s Ruben Soares-Junior and Huddersfield’s Levi Samuels-Colwill scored late on and will be learning the house song as we type this.

As much as some of us would like to, the Rotherham United v Sheffield United game can’t be ignored. Even Radio Sheffield have given up trying to re-name the match the ‘X1 derby’. There’s really not all that much else to go with, maybe Crewe Alexandra v Accrington Stanley and Sheffield United v Huddersfield Town may just get in within the 35 mile boundary.

Barney – called Wealdstone v Woking, called at 0-2 on 28min – Finished: 1-2 – FAILED!
– called Exeter City v Bristol Rovers, called at 3-0 on 24 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
– called Manchester City v Norwich City, impressively called at 1-0 on 7 min – Finished: 5-0 – GUBBED!

Cambridge United 3-0 Burton Albion. Cambridge’s goals came entirely from Burton players’ misfortune, their first arrived via a huge deflection and two Tom Hamer own goals saw the Brewers droop (that call from QUEST EFL can’t be too far away…) to the reverse.

As mentioned above, the Fresh Hell eluded us due to Hasselbaink’s honesty. It was 0-0 at half-time so that’s an unfortuate Reverse Churchill to Hasselbaink and that day for Hamer is an immaculate Make Ya Ma Proud.

Andy Cook’s quite the marksman in the lower divisions of the 92, but didn’t really shine in his Mansfield tenure accruing a modest 9 goals in 43 games. He’s now at Bradford and scored the late winner against his old team at Field Mill. But did he celebrate? You bet your beeswax he did: [LINK]  – It Dont Mean Nuthin’? We think not.

Dominic Solanke was briefly famous for being signed out of Chelsea’s reserves by Liverpool, who had offered an eight-figure sum to sign him from Stamford Bridge whilst he was under contract, then paid around £5m in compensation to secure his service when he was a free agent. It’s still hasn’t worked out for him to date but he did score at the weekend for Bournemouth. That would be Chelsea – Liverpool – Bournemouth and an unusual And Stay Out! involving three (then) Premiership clubs.

We were in discussions about kicking a few categories to the curb over the off-season but have kept faith with almost all of them. This is due to us not having the creativity to think up any replacements or forgetting how the new categories would’ve worked. Alcohol may have been involved.

Well, Greenock Morton’s Kyle Jacobs scored at both ends on Saturday and that’s now twice in the first three weeks A Day Trip To Brighton has been logged. Both occurances involved lower league Scottish teams, so there would’ve been many a mile racked up travelling to the South Coast.

Not bad for a category we were convinced was as rare as a PAGGA!

Finally, another section where we didn’t see much action in the previous season was the Category Without A Name, which sees a player score and get sent off in the same game. It blanked when it was a named category on the opening week but Bournemouth’s David Brooks got the dubious accolade last week and Dundee United’s Peter Pawlett matched this on Sunday.

Aden Flint (Cardiff City) x2
Benik Afobe (Millwall on loan from Stoke City)
Connor Kirby (Altrincham on loan from Harrogate Town)
David Jones (Wrexham)
Gary Gardner (Birmingham City)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United) x2
Rhys McCabe (Airdrieonians) x2
Vadaine Oliver (Gillingham)

Jason Cummings (Dundee)
Kane Ferdinand (Maidenhead United)
Kwesi Appiah (Crawley Town)
Matt Stevens (Forest Green Rovers)
Matty Godden (Coventry City)

charlton02Abraham Odoh (Rochdale)
Chuks Aneke (Birmingham City)
Joe Aribo (Rangers)
Josh Umerah (Wealdstone)
Macauley Bonne (Ipswich Town on loan from Queens Park Rangers) x2
Patrick Bauer (Preston North End)
Tony Watt (Motherwell)

ArsenalBenik Afobe (Millwall on loan from Stoke City)
Chuks Aneke (Birmingham City)

Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Sam Vokes (Wycombe Wanderers)
Scott Hogan (Birmingham City) x2