Season 9 Game 05 (10-13 September)

THE ‘Stay with Der Kaiser in Benidorm’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

Siobhan Fahey (63!) Frans Beckenbauer (76) and Johnny Vegas (50) are this weeks birthdays. So there.

Barney: ‘Bowler scores against the run of play and Fulham are stumped’ [Josh Bowler of Blackpool]
Chris:  [ABSENT]
Howard: ‘Matt Jay scores for Exeter City and Scunny’s defence are Busted’

Didn’t note any talks from Mr Mojo but did enjoy the annual Sean Dyche lecture where the Burnley manager made his way down to the third circle to speak on ‘Keeping your real identity secret’. Dyche proudly noted he’d yet to be rumbled by those ‘above ground’ and put this down to his performances and post-match interviews.

Having seen said interviews, our colleague begged to differ but had other things to do, namely concentrating on denying goals to Cheltenham Town’s Callum Wright, Hamilton Academical’s Andy Ryan and Swansea City’s Joel Piroe. Another blank, which was embellished further by all three scoring midweek.

A fairly easy starter category and three very good choices here spring to mind. Witness goalscoring centre-backs Ash Taylor (Northampton Town-Aberdeen-Walsall), Dominic Ball (Peterborough United-Aberdeen-Queens Park Rangers) or Matty Pearson (Barnsley-Luton Town-Huddersfield Town).

Tony Mowbray’s installation as Blackburn boss a few years back was regarded as the first reasonable piece of business from the rather naive Venky’s ownership. That was four years ago and the Rovers fanbase is becoming rather disaffected with the club now firmly ensconced as a middling Championship club. Watching the away team, Luton Town, score twice in the second half after the Bedfordshire outfit went in 2-0 down at halftime won’t help matters.

A regular visitor to this particular shore again makes the grade in Dunfermline’s Bulgarian Nikolai Todorov. Joining him was the Tanzanian-born Yeovil winger Adi Yussuf. St Kitts and Nevis international Lois Maynard, who scored for the equally exotic Solihull Moors, might have counted but for the technicality of being born in Manchester.

Barney – called Peterhead v Clyde at 3-1 on 21 min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!
– called Walsall v Mansfield Town at 3-0 on 45 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
– called Cambridge United v Lincoln City at 0-3 on 23 min – Finished: 1-5 – FAILED!

Swansea 0-0 Hull City. Swansea racked up the possession with 69% of the ball and 16 shots whilst Hull managed just 1 shot on target throughout. The fact that both teams ended with a point will have the BT Sport pundit sending the kebabs “oop north” [as no-one from the North has ever said]. Reports said kebabs arrived with a message stating ‘Plough Lane should be the new national stadium’ can’t be confirmed or denied.

BREAKING NEWS…Kelty Hearts 1-1 Elgin City. Elgin scored with their 1 shot on target? Their only shot full stop? And it was a penalty? Can you redirect those kebabs to the far north of Scotland? Ta.

Best seems to be St Mirren v Dundee United game, which combined for 4 shots on target. From a combined total of 24 shots. Were the players aware of what constituted a ‘goal’? Not even asking for a friend, more the 4894 spectators who watched the alleged ‘action’.

Torquay United’s Armani Little and Tyrhys Dolan of Blackburn Rovers would be definite nominees to be Born In Burberry. But behold, the prodigal son returns in the shape of the reason why the category came into being, Kallum Higginbottom, who scored very late on for the new and moneyed kids in town at Kelty Hearts.

Matty Blair of Cheltenham Town (32 years old), Matty Lund of Salford City (30) and Huddersfield Town’s Matty Pearson (28). All scored at the weekend but all should be hearing the admonishment of You’re Not A Kid Anymore, Sonny.

Double mentions for Glovers winger Adi Yussuf. Not only is he a Local Boy Makes Good (as mentioned above) but those 18 clubs at 29 years old will see another of those dwindling amount of Claridge Clock(s) handed out.

Finally Plymouth Argyle 3-0 Sheffield Wednesday will have seen some rather masochistic souls supporting the S3 outfit traipse 586 driving miles over 10 hours and 20 minutes of a thoroughly unrewarding away trip. Could be the longest Where’s Russell we’ve spotted so far this season. You wouldn’t get Posh thumped like that away, oh no, we lost 0-4 at home to the Pilgrims. Beat that, ya lightweights [Barney is not bitter, you know, and is just hoping for a new manager, chairman,…team? before it’s too late].


Giles Coke (Grimsby Town)
Jack Marriott (Peterborough United)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Vadaine Oliver (Gillingham)
Will Keane (Wigan Athletic) x2


Danny Andrew (Fleetwood Town)
Dominic Ball (Queens Park Rangers)
Harry Toffolo (Huddersfield Town)
Kieran Sadlier (Rotherham United)
Ricardo Santos (Bolton Wanderers) o.g.
Tom Nichols (Crawley Town)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)


Macauley Bonne (Ipswich Town on loan from Queens Park Rangers)
Martyn Waghorn (Coventry City)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)
Myles Weston (Dagenham and Redbridge)


ArsenalJosh Rees (Boreham Wood)
Kyle Bartley (West Bromwich Albion)
Rhys Murphy (Southend United)

Cameron Carter-Vickers (Celtic on loan from Tottenham Hotspur)
Conor Sammon (Alloa Athletic)
Joe Ironside (Cambridge United)
Jordan Slew (Halifax Town)
Kyle Bartley (West Bromwich Albion)
Michael O’Halloran (St Johnstone)
Scott Boden (Boreham Wood)
Scott Hogan (Birmingham City)