Gameweek XVII

THE DODDY-THE-IMPALER HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

Ken Dodd was 86 this week (is this in Dog Years?) and Vlad the Impaler was born sometime around now back in 1431, which is around half 2 in the afternoon.

The Categories

Churchill
REVERSE CHURCHILL

Reverse Churchill goes to Aberdeen’s Derek McInnes: 1-0 up at half-time against Hearts, slumping to a 3-1 defeat. Barry Robson may have taken the “We shall fight them on the beaches…” speech too literally, getting a second yellow card in the 55th minute, which then started the Hearts goal rush…

Gwynne
HURRICANE GWYNNE!!

FAILED (may have been at the William Hill Grand Slam of Darts in Wolverhampton)

Red Card
MAKE YA MA PROUD

FAILED!

Vera Lynn
WE”LL MEET AGAIN

FAILED!

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Byron Harrison at Cheltenham Town – FAILED!
Jay Emmanuel-Goalmachine-Thomas – SCORED TWICE DAMNIT!
David Nugent at Leicster City – FAILED

Gubba
STEALTH GUB

In a desperate bid to stop teams we don’t like from scoring…..

Howard: called  Liverpool 3-0 Fulham on 36min. Finished 4-0. FAILED!
Chris: called Colchester 0-2 Sheffield United on 12min. Finished 2-3. FAILED!
Barney: called Leyton Orient 2-0 Southport from on 9 mins. Finished 5-2. FAILED!

The Results

OwlsFourRyan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers), Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town), Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical), Chris Lines (Port Vale)

PoshOneOne
David Ball (Fleetwood Town), Emile Sinclair (Crawley Town), Shaun Batt (Leyton Orient)x2, Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons)x2, Kieran Agard (Rotherham United) x2, Ben Wright (Salisbury City), Lee Clarke (Welling United), Paul Taylor (Ipswich Town)

AddicksSevenAlan McCormack (Brentford), Simon Walton o.g. (Hartlepool United),
David Mooney (Leyton Orient), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons)x2,
Paul Benson (Luton Town), Frank Nouble (Ipswich Town)

ArsenalSixRobin van Bloody Persie (Manchester United – counting double against his ex and much better club!), Jay Emmanuel-Thomas x2(2 more than he ever got for us…),
Kyle Bartley x2 (Birmingham City)

BladesOne Nil
Phil Bardsley (Sunderland), Simon Walton o.g. (Hartlepool United), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons)x2, Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Peterborough United),
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End) x3, Kyle Bartley (Birmingham City) x2

Miscellany

Keanu Marsh-Brown – fastest sending off of the weekend (13min). Maybe he should he sponsored by Head & Shoulders…

Tokelo Rantie  the Bournemouth striker’s first club at Youth level – Dangerous Darkies… errrrrrmmmmm……and in South Africa, too….

A note for Ross McCormack‘s one-man good seeing-to (should this be a category on its own??) – getting all four goals at Charlton (Oops!) in Leeds United’s 4-2 win.

Nick Ross was one of the scorers for Inverness CT against Hibs. I hope Wiggy did the “Sleep Well” joke…

OVERALL RESULT: AFTER A RECOUNT, ANOTHER WIN FOR THE POSH!

Gameweek XVI

The Walk On The Wild Side with the Dandy Highwayman’ Head-In-Hands League

So named to honour (or not) the birthdays of Adam Ant (59) and the passing of Lou Reed.

The Categories

ArrestedA bumper week for the ex-cons X1, with Jake Speight of Alfreton (Assault-and not informing his club or his loan club), Lee Hughes of Port Vale (Death by Dangerous Driving AND Assault), Chris Brown of Doncaster Rovers (Public Order, not to mention the sex tape scandal…oops…just did…) and Nile Ranger (Robbery, Drunk and Disorderly, multiple Assaults). It’s hard being a professional footballer…

Brighton
DAY TRIP TO BRIGHTON

FAILED! 

Glenn & Chris
DIAMOND LIGHTS

FAILED!

Beaver
FIGHTING LIKE BEAVERS

FAILED!

Merson
MERSON VOUS ANGLAIS

Despite the linguistic challenge of Hull City’s Ahmed Elmohamady, another FAILED!

Gubba
THE GUB
  • Chris called Fulham 0-3 Manchester United on 25 min – Final Score 3-1, so FAILED!
  • Howard called Fleetwood 4-1 Newport County on 76 min (better late than never!) – Final Score 4-1, so FAILED!
  • Barney called Turriff United 0-2 Stirling Albion on 14 min – Final score 0-3, so FAILED!
Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS
  • Jordan Rhodes (Blackburn Rovers) – FAILED!
  • Kris Boyd (Kilmarnock) – FAILED!
Zinger Zowing Machine
ZINGER

Jeff Stelling: “Danny Coles is red hot right now”

The Results

Posh FourSaido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United), David Ball (Fleetwood Town), David Hibbert (Nuneaton Town)

AddicksSevenLeroy Lita (Brighton & Hove Albion), Leon Clarke (Coventry City) x2, David Mooney (Leyton Orient) x2, Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town), Joe Anyinsah (Wrexham)

ArsenalTwoRobin van Persie (Manchester United), Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City)

BladesFourSam Vokes (Burnley), Shane Lowry og (Millwall), John-Joe O’Toole (Bristol Rovers), Kevan Hurst (Southend United)

OwlsFiveLeroy Lita (Brighton & Hove Albion), Leon Clarke (Coventry City)x2, Nile Ranger (Swindon Town), Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town)

Miscellany

Sunderland’s 2nd red card in their game at Hull came as a result of the additional time played for the first red card. An impressive display of self-destruction only marred by the lack of gub.

Kilmarnock have a David Silva. That’s a hell of a loan deal! It’s probably safe to assume this is not the same £24million man, though it probably beats benchwarming like the most of City’s legion of players…

Quickest sending off of the day goes to Robbie Willmott of Newport County (no strangers to red cards at the moment) – after just 3 minutes!

The Alex Ferguson Memorial Award *crosses fingers* goes to Barnet and Kidderminster Harriers for their ELEVEN MINUTES of extra time, which as it turned out to be not long enough for Kidderminster to get one back, but long enough for Barnet’s Luisma Villa to be sent off.

OVERALL RESULT: A CLEAR WINNER FOR CHARLTON – COMING INTO FORM AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME!

Gameweek 15 (Hyde 0)

THE ‘I KISSED PETER GRIFFIN…AND I LIKED IT’ HIH LEAGUE

To mark the birthdays of Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane (45) and ‘singer’ Katy Perry (33)

The Categories

Haaland
WHERE’S ALF INGE?

FAILED! – despite some promising games like Mansfield V Plymouth and Leicester v Bournemouth

Posh
ARE YOU MY FAG?

FAILED!

Moyes
FRESH HELL

Mark Hughes renewing hostilities with ex-club Manchester United, was winning 2-1 (AT OLD TRAFFORD!) but ended up on the receiving end of a 3-2 comeback. After the game, he went off to scour some pans with his wire-wool hair…

Tribal Chiefs
LOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD

William Edjenguele of Bury.

Pagga!
PAGGA!

Figures very from 15 to 22, but a magnificent effort by Blackpool and Blackburn Rovers. Former Tangerine DJ Campbell‘s late tackle on Rovers keeper Matt Gilks started the whole ruckus and before you could say Jack Robinson, er…Jack Robinson and DJ were sent for an early bath.

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Leigh Griffiths of Wolves – FAILED!
Charlie Strutton of Braintree Town – FAILED!
Dundee’s Peter MacDonald got his 9th in 14 games

Gubba
THE GUB SCALE

Both Stealth Gubs called at 3-0:
Dundee United v St Mirren – Narrow FAILURE – finished 4-0
Sheffield United v Crewe Alexandra – FAILED! – finished 3-1

The Results

AddicksFourKyel Reid (Bradford City), Scott Wagstaff (Bristol City), Kevin Lisbie (Leyton Orient), Tom Soares (Bury)

OwlsFourDavid McGoldrick (Ipswich Town), Ryan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers) x2, Tom Soares (Bury)

BladesSevenJon Stead (Huddersfield Town), Jamie Ward (Derby County), Kyel Reid (Bradford City), Danny Philliskirk (Oldham Athletic), Chris Robertson (Port Vale), Danny Webber (Accrington Stanley) and Jordan Chappell (Torquay United)

PoshOneAndrew Crofts (Brighton & Hove Albion)

ArsenalFourJay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City) x3 (three?!!?!?!?), Rhys Murphy (Dagenham & Redbridge)

Miscellany

Hartley Wintney needed to get through one more game in the FA Cup Qualifying rounds to get further than they ever had in their 116-year history… meanwhile, back in reality, they got gubbed at home, 6-1 being the final score. But they did at least do better than Vauxhall Motors, who were Wham!-ed by Macclesfield Town.

In the Highland Football League, Gary Weir of Wick Academy gave hapless Fort William a one-man Wet Wyngarde (Goals on 30′, 36′, 46′, 50′, 56′, 74′, 80′, 90′). Rumours that Fort William fielded a team of livestock are entirely unfounded….

And finally – Burnley’s mascot was ordered off the sidelines by ref for mocking Joey Barton – a dangerous thing to do, given Joey’s police record…

OVERALL RESULT: A MASSIVE WIN FOR LUFFY’S BLADES AND A MYSTERIOUS DEARTH FROM PETERBOROUGH….

On The Whole, I’d Rather Be In Slough…(Gameweek XIV)

The ‘Rodri – yes THAT Rodri‘ HIH League

A short note of explanation

Promising young striker scores 28 in 54 for Sevilla B whilst only 20 and graduates to the senior side. Barcelona are interested enough to snap him up and put him into their B team, where he is loaned out to er…Sheffield Wednesday?! 1 goal in 11 games sees his contract (AND THE OPTION TO BUY!) cancelled by mutual consent. Now currently scoring 5 in 8 for Almeira in the Spanish top-flight. All together now….”DOH!!!!!!”

The Categories

Begone!
…AND STAY OUT!

FAILED!

It Dont Mean Nuthin
IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’

FAILED! Not looking good for the categories thus far,,,

Darwin
DARWINISM IN ACTION

 Chelsea (2nd; more money than God) 4 Cardiff (17th) 1

Oyster Card
TONY CRAIG’s OYSTER CARD

FAILED!

Churchill
REVERSE CHURCHILL

FAILED!

Unpleasant Local Derby
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY

Millwall v Queen’s Park Rangers. Unusually, it would appear that there were no arrests this time…

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Kevin Ellison (Morecambe) – YES! (Now 5 in 13 for the 34-year old veteran)

Craig Gunn (Elgin City) – FAILED!

Keanu Marsh-Brown (Barnet) – FAILED!

The Results

Addicks
Six
Paul Konchesky (Leicester City), Kevin Lisbie x2 (Leyton Orient), Paul Benson (Luton Town), Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town)

Owls
Seven
Chris O’Grady x2 (Barnsley), Paul Heffernan (Hibernian), Steven MacLean (St Johnstone), Nile Ranger (Swindon Town),
Barry Corr x2 (Southend United)

Blades
Six
Phil Bardsley og (Sunderland), Jamie Ward (Derby County) x2,
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Peterborough United), Craig Beattie (Dundee),
Nicky Law (Rangers)

Posh
Seven
Emile Sinclair (Crawley Town), Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United), Shaun Batt (Leyton Orient), Danny Crow (Newport County), Kwesi Appiah x2 (Cambridge United), Dean Keates (Wrexham)

Arsenal
Five
Robin van Persie (Manchester United), Rhys Murphy (Dagenham & Redbridge), Philip Roberts Falkirk (sent off right at the end of the game – why couldn’t it have been before the 39th minute?!),
Steve Sidwell(Fulham), Philippe Senderos (Fulham)

Miscellany

The identity of “B.Trialist” of Forfar was finally unmasked as youth-team teenager Jamie McCluskey. Disappointing really. Surely he could have changed his name by Deed-poll to something more exciting?

Cowdenbeath have a Jack Nicholson. He’s lost a yard or two of pace, but doubtless has plenty of experience. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny!

Dean Wells – jailed for 12 months for his part in a “pre-arranged” brawl (can there be anything more moronic?) outside Liverpool Street Station in May 2010 – scored for his current club Braintree Town. If only other ex-cons could walk straight into a highly-paid job….

….but this is as nothing compared with the dangerous lunatic known as Dougie Hill at Raith Rovers. At this early stage of the season, he has already earned two red cards and two yellows!

OVERALL RESULT: SPOILS SHARED BETWEEN THE POSH AND THE OWLS. TAKE A BOW GENTLEMEN…

The Bare Bones (Gameweek XIII)

THE ‘BLACK MONDAY HEAD IN HANDS LEAGUE’

About the only memorable thing to put in the title was to do with the anniversary of the 1987 Stock Market Crash. Either that or something to do with Michael Gambon’s birthday, but he has done some certain voice-overs for institutions that shall remain nameless….

The Categories

Zinger
ZINGER

More of this than anything else this week. Such as:

[ROB PALMER]: “Ritchie Humphreys – the union leader….I guess that you could call that a good strike”

[JEFF STELLING] (after David Banjo scores):  “…couldn’t hit a barn door with a banjo….who says”

[JEFF STELLING] (to Iain Dowie): “Andy Dowie – no relation, is he?”
[IAIN DOWIE]: “No, not as he’s just scored!”

[JEFF STELLING] (to Rob Palmer): “Have the cod army had their chips?”
[ROB PALMER]: “No, they know their plaice!”

Gubba
THE GUB

Called Rotherham v Swindon Town at 3-0 on 65min – Finished 4 nil – Close, but FAILED!

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Kevin Ellison (Morecambe) – FAILED, despite the 2-0 win
Craig Gunn (Elgin City) – FAILED, despite the 3-2 win
Keanu Marsh-Brown (Barnet) – FAILED

POTENTIAL CANDIDATES FOR NEXT WEEK:

Lee Erwin (Arbroath): 6 in 5

Jon Parkin (Fleetwood Town): 3 in 3

Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town): 3 in 3

Pagga!
PAGGA!

Oh yes, very much so in the Barnet v Wrexham game – Edgar Davids and Stephen Wright for Barnet and Wrexham respectively. In the end, there were three red cards, as Johnny Hunt picked up 2 yellow cards in a total of 2 minutes 53 seconds. Impressive!

The Results

Addicks FourLeon Clarke (Coventry City) x2, Kevin Lisbie (Leyton Orient), Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town)

Owls FourRyan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers), Leon Clarke (Coventry City) x2, Bastien Hery (Rochdale)

Blades One Andy Taylor (Walsall)

Posh FourDean Keates (Wrexham), Alex Pritchard (Swindon Town), Krystian Pearce (Torquay United),
Lee Clarke (Welling United)

Arsenal TwoAbu Ogogo (Dagenham and Redbridge), Jo Kuffour (Wycombe Wanderers)

Miscellany

Colin Nish – earned his 7th career red card. Definitely one to steer clear of…

It appears that Sir Alex is back – Walsall had 7 minutes of extra time. But they needed every minute of it, scoring in the 6th minute of added-on time to scrape a 1-1 draw. Well, maybe not. BUT there is an Alex Ferguson who is alive and well and playing for Swindon Town. So there you go,,,

And a final slow hand clap for Hyde United, who have lost their last TEN GAMES. This almost leaves them on the travel pages-and at such an early stage of the season! Their stats, which make impressive reading are:

PLAYED 15 – WON 0 – DRAWN 2 – LOST 12 – GOAL DIFFERENCE – MINUS 29

OVERALL RESULT: (JANUARY 2014 EDIT AS NICKY AJOSE IS STILL OWNED BY THE POSH) – WHAT WAS A NARROW WIN FOR BARNEY’S POSH! IS NOW A THREE-WAY TIE WITH POSH, CHARLTON AND WEDNESDAY!

Gameweek XII

THE ‘MR MADINE, MEET THE AUTHORITIES’ HEAD IN HANDS LEAGUE

The Categories

Zinger
ZINGER

“Moment of excitement for Matt Le Tissier – the final whistle’s gone!” JEFF STELLING

Haaland
WHERE’S ALF INGE?

Middlesborough – Yeovil Town (257 miles in a straight line)

Fancy being bored to death by a monotonous ex-pro? Paul Robinson is the man for you!
AN EVENING WITH PAUL ROBINSON

Hull 0 – 0 Aston Villa. Both teams managed a total of 5 shots on target. Fortunately Paul Robinson wasn’t commentating…

Telepathy
BEEHIVE TO WIGGY

“Forfar four…easy to say!” – JEFF

Phone Box Action
LIVE FROM THE PHONE BOX

Morecambe – Chesterfield (for a ground opened in 2010?!)
St Johnstone – Inverness Caledonian Thistle

Red Card
MAKE YA MA PROUD

Tom Flanagan (Gillingham) gave away 2 penalties in the first 13 minutes and topped this fine performance with a straight red card in the match with MK Dons – his previous loan club

Nielsen
DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY

FAILED!

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Danny Ings (Burnley) – Yes!
Kane Hemmings (Cowdenbeath) – FAILED!
Charlie Austin (Queen’s Park Rangers) x 2 – Yes!

NEXT WEEK:
Kevin Ellison (Morecambe)
Craig Gunn (Elgin City)
Keanu Marsh-Brown (Barnet)

Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Chris: Called Colchester United 0-3 Wolves on 54. And there the scoring stopped – FAILED!
Howard: Called Aldershot v Grimsby on at 0-3 on 60min. This also ended any further goalmouth action – FAILED!
Barney: Called Morecambe 0-2 Chesterfield on 13min! However, Morecambe fought like beavers to run out 4-3 winners – FAILED AND THEN SOME!

The true Stealth Gub was to be found at Newton Stewart, who were gubbed 5-nil by Culter in the Scottish Cup with the last three goals in the 86th,88th and 89th minutes!

Miscellany

A round of applause for Weston-Super-Mare, who were mullah-ed at home by Ebbsfleet. This textbook display of incompetence was started off by an own goal.

It was not just Morecambe that fought like beavers. Mid-table Halifax were 3-1 up after 31 minutes, only to collapse like a soggy cardboard box.

A rare Brighton was completed by Tommy Spurr. Fortunately for him, Emmerson Boyce scored an injury time goal, so it made little difference.

The Results

Arsenal
Four
Rhys Murphy (Dagenham & Redbridge), Henri Lansbury x2 (Nottingham Forest), Anthony Stokes (Celtic)

Blades
Six
Anthony Stokes (Celtic), John-Joe O’Toole (Bristol Rovers), Sam Vokes (Burnley), Darius Henderson (Nottingham Forest), Kyel Reid (Bradford City),
Craig Beattie (Dundee)

Addicks
One Two
Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town), Leon Clarke (Coventry City), Scott Wagstaff (Bristol City), Harry Arter (Bournemouth), Danny Haynes (Notts County), Darren Bent (Fulham), Charlie MacDonald (Oldham Athletic), Kyel Reid (Bradford City), Martyn Waghorn (Millwall), Paul Benson (Luton Town), Joe Anyinsah (Wrexham), Emmerson Boyce (Wigan Athletic)

Owls
Six
Etienne Esajas (Scunthorpe United), Leon Clarke (Coventry City),
Steven MacLean x2 (St Johnstone),
Tommy Spurr x2 (Blackburn Rovers; 1 was an own goal)

Posh
Seven
Kwesi Appiah (Cambridge United), Shaun Batt (Leyton Orient), Dwight Gayle (Crystal Palace), Andrew Crofts (Brighton & Hove Albion), Scott Rendell (Woking), Liam Davis (Yeovil Town), Arron Davies (Exeter City)

OVERALL RESULT: A FINE WIN FOR….
CHARLTON! A SEASON-BEST 12 BLEW THE REST OF US AWAY…

Gameweek XI

THE “STAND BY THOMAS CRAPPER HEAD IN HANDS LEAGUE”

So called due to the anniversary of the birth of Thomas Crapper(1836), the renowned sanitary engineer, and the birth of Ben E King (1938), the singer of ‘Stand By Me’.

The Categories

Glenn & Chris
DIAMOND LIGHTS

Joe Walsh (Crawley Town) – OR – guitarist with The Eagles

Moyes
FRESH HELL

David Moyes (Manchester United). Goes without saying after losing to West Brom at Old Trafford…

Vera Lynn
WE”LL MEET AGAIN

FAILED!

Tribal Chiefs
LOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD

Melvin De Leeuw (Ross County), Joao Pereira Vitoria (Queen’s Park), Ahmed Abdulla (Barnet)

Gwynne
HURRICANE GWYNNE!!

FAILED (Absent?! Was it a dodgy pie at the darts?)

Handcuffs
KNOWN TO THE AUTHORITIES

Joey Barton of Queen’s Park Rangers – (Assault x2)

Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Chris: Called Milton Keynes Dons v Stevenage (28 mins) at 3-0. Finished 4-1 – FAILED!
Barney: Called Dunfermline v Ayr (41 minis) at 4-1. Finished 5-1. Close, but – FAILED!
Howard: Called Inverness Caledonian Thistle v Hibernian 3-0 (67 mins). Finished 3-0 – FAILED!

Zinger
ZINGER

WIGGY (Played by Jeff Stelling)  “What have Man U got to offer?”
HQ (Played by Howard Quick): “How about a choreographed dance number!”

Next Week:
Charlie Austin (QPR) – 4 in 11
Danny Ings (Burnley) – 10 in 13
David Mooney (Leyton Orient) – 9 in 12
Jordan Rhodes (Blackburn Rovers) – 9 in 13

Miscellany

Hello to Bryan Prunty (Dumbarton) – the man with the finest name in football today.

Braintree have a Marks (Sean), but also a Sparkes (Daniel). Sadly, no St Michael though…

Wycombe’s chairman is called Ivor Beeks. A comedy name if ever we’ve heard one…

The Results

Addicks SevenRicardo Fuller (Blackpool), Deon Burton (Gillingham), Kyel Reid (Bradford City), Matt Taylor (Colchester United), David Mooney (Leyton Orient), Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town), Jay McEveley o.g.(Swindon Town)

Posh FourScott Rendell (Woking),Danny Crow (Newport County), Saido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion), Kwesi Appiah (Cambridge United)

Blades FiveKevan Hurst (Southend United), Craig Beattie (Dundee), Kyel Reid (Bradford City), Sam Vokes x2 (Burnley)

Owls NineSteven MacLean (St Johnstone), Deon Burton (Gillingham), Darren Potter o.g. (Milton Keynes Dons), Chris Lines (Port Vale), Leon Best (Blackburn Rovers), David McGoldrick x2 (Ipswich Town), Martin Taylor (Brentford), Mark Burchill (Livingston)

Arsenal ThreeRhys Murphy (Dagenham & Redbridge), Jo Kuffour (Wycombe Wanderers), Adam Birchall (Dartford)

OVERALL RESULT: An unstoppable performance from Chris’ Owls to take this week’s crown!

Gameweek X (Ten)

THE “OUR KID GETS LOST IN TRANSLATION” HEAD IN HANDS LEAGUE

(By way of explanation – Liam Gallagher, would you believe, is 41, and Bill Murray is 62 this  weekend)

The Categories

Oyster Card
TONY CRAIG’s OYSTER CARD

FAILED!

Posh
ARE YOU MY FAG?

Keanu Marsh-Brown (Single-handedly saving this category…where are you when we need you Brian Barry-Murphy??)

Merson
MERSON VOUS ANGLAIS

“Morgan Shenderling” (Schneiderlin) and “Raheem Sterland” (Stirling; clearly believing he was Mel’s son…)

Beaver
FIGHTING LIKE BEAVERS

FAILED!

Darwin
DARWINISM IN ACTION

Barnsley 1-5 Watford.
A good seeing-to for Barnsley from promotion-favourites Watford…

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Louis Moult (Nuneaton) – Yes!
Britt Assombalonga – Yes!
Roberts – Chesterfield – No!

But as Meatloaf may have said, “two out of three ain’t bad”

Zinger
ZINGER

Zinger: Andrew Whing‘s been red-carded at the Kassam – Surely a Whing-Ding there?
(c)  Jeff “Wiggy” Stelling 2013

Miscellany

New Category “An Evening With Paul Robinson” was made an official category (see Categories page for an explanation).

Nothing much for this week, though it is worth mentioning the following:

Danny Forde of GAP Connah’s Quay managed the difficult trick of doing a Brighton in the 3-3 draw at Aberystwyth.

A Wham for Rothes in the Highland League, who lost SEVEN NIL AT HOME to the mighty Wick Academy.

Jesse Lingard (on loan from Man United) gave hapless Sheffield Wednesday a one-man-good-seeing-to.

The Results:

Arsenalfour
Abu Agogo (Dagenham & Redbridge), Rhys Murphy (Dagenham & Redbridge), Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City), Samir ‘Git’ Nasri (Manchester City)

BladesSix
Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Andy Reid (Nottingham Forest), John Joe O’Toole (Bristol Rovers), Jordan Chapell (Torquay United), Nick Blackman (Reading), Nathan Dyer (Swansea City)

AddicksFive
Charlie MacDonald (Oldham Athletic), Paul Konchesky (Leicester City), Andy Reid (Nottingham Forest), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), David Mooney (Leyton Orient)

OwlsFour
Ritchie Humphreys (Chesterfield), Paul Heffernan (Hibernian), Etienne Esajas (Scunthorpe United), Nile Ranger (Swindon Town)

PoshFour
Emile Sinclair (Crawley Town), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Ben Wright (Salisbury City), Shaun Batt (Leyton Orient)

OVERALL RESULT: A narrow win for Luffy’s Blades. Sorry Steve!

Gameweek IX (13th-16th Sept)

THE “TAKE ON CRAB” HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE!

So named due to the birthdays of Morten Harket (53) and Ray ‘first man ever to be sent off for England’ Wilkins (57)

The Categories

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS
Brighton
DAY TRIP TO BRIGHTON –

FAILED!

 

Moyes
FRESH HELL –

FAILED!

 

It Dont Mean Nuthin
IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’

PRESTON NORTH END 3 – 0 STEVENAGE
This story began in July 2012, when Preston manager Graham Westley texted 8 first-team players telling them not to turn up to training as he expected them to be gone before the start of the season. Already, Westley had released 14 players and transfer-listed 7 more. “I’ve had to tread carefully around some of the most mediocre standards I’ve ever seen in my life”, Westley said at the time. “Aahhhhhhhh, you lost!”, said the Preston players to their now ex-manager. Probably.

Handcuffs
KNOWN TO THE AUTHORITIES –

FAILED!

 

(Though it may be renamed the Gary Madine Award for Good Citizenship, in light of recent events)

Vera Lynn
WE’LL MEET AGAIN-

FAILED!

 

Unpleasant Local Derby
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY

Huddersfield Town v Derby County was suggested, but we were forgetting one of the classic ULDs in Burnley v Blackburn Rovers. A thrilling 1-all draw.

The Results

Arsenal
Five
Abu Ogogo (Dagenham & Redbridge), Steve Sidwell (Fulham), Jeffrey Monakana (Colchester United), Robin van Bloody Persie (Manchester United) and Anthony Stokes (Celtic)

Blades
Three
Dave Kitson (Oxford United), Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Darius Henderson (Nottingham Forest)

Addicks
OneOne
Chris Iwelumo (Scunthorpe United), Ricardo Fuller (Blackpool), David Mooney x 2 (Leyton Orient), Kevin Lisbie  (Leyton Orient), Tom Soares (Bury), Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town), Luke Varney (Leeds United), Martyn Waghorn (Millwall), Jonjo Shelvey (Swansea City), Leon Clarke (Coventry City)

 Owls
Eight

Martin Taylor (Brentford), Luke Varney (Leeds United), Chris O’Grady (Barnsley), David McGoldrick x2 (Ipswich Town), Paul Heffernan (Hibernian), Tom Soares (Bury), Leon Clarke (Coventry City)

Posh
Three

Scott Rendell (Woking), Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United), Lee Clarke (Welling United)

Miscellany

Tom Naylor had possibly the worst day at work ever. The Derby County loanee scored not one but TWO own goals and conceded a penalty that turned out to be the winning goal as Newport County went down 3-2 at home to Morecambe. May be making the journey back as we speak.

Extensive research reveals Yoan Gouffran to be allergic to certain species of tree! Well, that’s what he told Newcastle’s official website anyway…

OVERALL RESULT: Well, I asked and I got. A massive win for Mat & Emma’s Charlton!

Gameweek VIII – And now from Newquay, it’s the Quiz of the Week…

Cue the cheap-tack Anglia TV logo and Nicholas Parsons….

The Categories

TelepathyBEEHIVE TO WIGGY
FAILED!

Pagga!PAGGA!
FAILED!

Tribal ChiefsLOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD
Osayaman Osawe (Southport), Max Kretzschmar (Wycombe Wanderers)

HaalandWHERE’S ALF INGE?
Fleetwood Town 4 – 1 Torquay (302 miles, says the Distance Calculator)

Red CardMAKE YA MA PROUD
Robbie Threlfall of Morecambe Town who came on for his club debut at half-time and lasted just SEVEN minutes before a straight red for Serious Foul Play.
GubbaSTEALTH GUB
Welling United v Kidderminster – called at 0-2 – FAILED! Final score 1-3
But – there was a true Stealth Gub, as Newton got battered 6-1 by Airbus UK. The Wingmakers did an expert job of sneaking under the radar, only leading by the odd goal at half-time…

There were a couple of unnoticed mullah-ings, with Brora and Brazil both beating their opponents 6-0 (Lossiemouth and Australia, respectively). Of course, these all pale into insignificance beside the Ballinamallard result

So – At last……..

The Results

OwlsNil*NOBODY!*

ArsenalNil*NOBODY!*

BladesFourBilly Clarke x2 (Crawley Town), Kyle McFadzean (Crawley Town), Kevan Hurst (Southend United)

ValiantsNil*NOBODY!*

PoshFiveKieran Agard (Rotherham United), Alfie Potter (Oxford United), Clive Platt (Northampton Town), Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle), Alex Pritchard (Swindon Town)

Miscellany

Portadown 11 – 0 Ballinamallard United

Not much more needs to be said to this, except that it was the joint highest winning margin in a Northern Irish League game ever. Mallards fans might point to the two sendings off, but they were 4-0 down with 11 men, and 7-0 down with 10. Under The Gub Scale, this would of course be a Lubbock+An Odd Goal, or an Odd Lubbock, if you prefer. Barney believes this to be illegal in Ireland. The rumour that Portadown’s players were arrested after the game has yet to be verified.

OVERALL RESULT: As it turns out, a clear win for Barney’s Posh side. Thank god no-one had any Portadown players!