Season 8 Game 22 (12-15 Feb)

THE ‘American Beauty throwing a long pointy stick wednesday’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Mena Suvari (42), Steve Backley (52) and Christina Ricci (41!).

Barney: [Due to Barney trying to get out of doing it thinking there were less than 40 matches on this weekend, there is a lack of categories, zingers etc]
Chris: [deleted by Barney?]
Howard: Chris, who has been sent off, is very Solly.

The Dread Hand took a well-earned week off to hang around Westminster and was puzzled as to why none of its’ tried-and-tested arcane spells were working on the Cabinet from Hell. Not even the moving-in gift from Vlad the Impaler could get through and our spectral friend was considering if B & Q had anything in stock that could pierce their thick skin…

Barney – called [nothing, for the skivey reasons mentioned previously] !
– called Watford v Bristol City at 2-0 on 24min – Finished: 6-0!!! – GUB ACHIEVED! [Mullahed, actually, according to our Gub Scale]
– called Sunderland v Doncaster Rovers at 3-0 on 36min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!

Chris Solly’s red card (featured earlier) was one of three given out at the final whistle in the game between Havant & Waterlooville and Ebbsfleet United, so this would have been a clear PAGGA!, had it been on the list. The final score matched the numbers of sending off [1-2].

Ex-Gunner Chuks Aneke won our Category Without A Name, when he scored then later managed to get himself sent off later in Charlton Athletic’s game with Gillingham [the Gills won 3-2 away].

Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
Sam Winnall (Oxford United)

Josh Knight (Wycombe Wanderers on loan from Leicester City)
Kyle Dempsey (Gillingham)
Mark O’Hara (Motherwell)
Michael Bostwick (Burton Albion)

Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
Callum Harriott (Colchester United)
Frank Nouble (Colchester United on loan from Plymouth Argyle)
Johann Berg Gudmundsson (Burnley)

Chuks Aneke (Charlton Athletic)
Olivier Giroud (Chelsea)
Rhys Murphy (Yeovil Town)

Colin Kazim-Richards (Derby County)
Matthew Lowton (Burnley)



Season 8 Game 21 (5-8 Feb)

THE ‘Humpin’ Around with the Best In Show at the Dumping Ground’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Bobby Brown (52), Christopher Guest (73) and Dani Harmer (32).


Nothing recorded, so the usual punishment applies –
Howard: “Joe Kizzi scored for Bromley. No-one else is laughing” [well they did lose 2-1 in a game with 3 red cards]

Patrick Bamford at Leeds United (SCORED), Nicky Clark at Dundee United (DID NOT PLAY) and Sam Barrett at Maidenhead United (DID NOT PLAY) feeling something’s just not quite right….

Never in the field of human conflict, did no one skive for so long. Churchill didn’t say this, but it seems about right to explain this blank.

Never in a month of sundays can you get this category and since it’s a much-delayed release anyway, we will go with a No.


Bleep bleep bleep… this is …bleep….late…bleep…bleep…bleep…and we’e got ….bleep…bleep…all to fill this…bleep…space…

Choose between Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton), Reece Hall-Johnson (Wrexham),and James Ward-Prowse (Southampton). Not sure what the public school toff Hall-Johnson would make of Wrexham, but still…

This is mainly a skivey bare-bones edition, but as it’s an easy one to fill, let’s have Jorge Grant (Lincoln City) and Kieffer Moore (Cardiff City).

Nothing recorded here FAILED!


Due to various delays and skiveyness, we will round this season up as soon as possible. There will be 4 other almost-normal editions and, if possible, the rest of the 10 or so missing weeks will be done as results-only. The plan is to do one post rounding up the scores from those weeks, after which the “winner” of the 20/21 season will be unmasked. That’s the plan, anyway.

Deji Oshilaja (Charlton Athletic)

Ivan Toney (Brentford) x2
Jon Taylor (Doncaster Rovers)
Jonathan Obika (St Mirren)
Toumani Diagouraga (Morecambe)
Tyrone Barnett (Eastleigh)

Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Johann Berg Gudmundsson (Burnley)
Jonathan Obika (St Mirren)
Naby Sarr (Huddersfield Town


Chuks Aneke (Charlton Athletic)
Jack Wilshere (Bournemouth)


Ched Evans (Preston North End)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Harry Chapman (Shrewsbury Town on loan from Blackburn Rovers)
Joe Ironside (Cambridge United)
Scott Hogan (Birmingham City) x2




Season 8 Game 20 (29 Jan – 1 Feb)

THE ‘Scandal? ‘I’m Only Human’ said the Queen’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Kerry [“Who?!”] Washington (44), Rag’n’Bone Man (36) and the ubiquitous Olivia Colman (47).


Barney: “Admiral scores – Brentford are ‘shipping’ goals….”
Chris: “But has Taylor sewn it up for Doncaster Rovers?”
Howard: [Also on the Admiral Muskwe theme] “Was it for the Reds?”

The Dread Hand of Barney was up against Danny Ings at Southampton, Andre Ayew at Swansea City, Charlie Wyke at Sunderland and Matt Hancock at his mate’s pub, all noticing how unseasonably hot it seems…

And the results? NO, NO and NO. A clean sweep for the Thing. And Hancock? Well, they do say the Devil takes care of his own…

Jordan Graham and Alex MacDonald (Gillingham), Alex Newby (Rochdale), Sam Deering (Dagenham and Redbridge) and a possible winner in Elisha Sam (Notts County).

Not during Lockdown you don’t! Plus, it’s nowhere near Barnard Castle.

Akwasi Asante (Chesterfield) of the Netherlands, Elisha Sam -again!- (Notts County) of Belgium, and Moussa Diarra (Woking) of France.

Which one do you think would be the furthest distance to travel in these matches:
Hull City v Swindon Town, Carlisle United v Exeter City, Bolton Wanderers v Leyton Orient, Port Vale v Southend United, or Hartlepool United v Sutton United?

If you said Carlisle-Exeter, then you are correct. Releative distances are as follows:
Hull-Swindon [1-0] (220 miles / 3hr 39), Carlisle-Exeter [1-0] (347miles / 5 hr 37), Bolton-Leyton [2-0] (228miles / 3 hr 55), Port Vale-Southend [5-1] (195miles / 3 hr 25), and Hartlepool-Sutton [1-0] (287miles / 4 hr 53).

Barney – called Port Vale v Southend United at 3-0 on 27 min – Finished: 5-1 – FAILED!
– [nothing recorded] – FAILED!
– called Hull City v Swindon Town at 1-0 on 31 min – Finished: 1-0 – FAILED!

Just Harry Chapman (Shrewsbury Town) and our old favourite Albert Adomah (Queens Park Rangers)

Nothing to report, so here’s a random fact:
Between 1912 and 1948, the Olympic Games awarded medals in sculpture, music, painting, and architecture. Isn’t that fascinating.

Aden Flint (Cardiff City) o.g.
Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Lucas Joao (Reading)
Ross Barkley (Aston Villa on loan from Chelsea)
Steven Fletcher (Stoke City)

Callum Cooke (Bradford City)
Ivan Toney (Brentford) x3
Jamie Walker (Heart of Midlothian)
Matt Stevens (Stevenage on loan from Forest Green Rovers)
Tyrone Barnett (Eastleigh)

Ade Azeez (Dover Athletic)
Tarique Fosu (Brentford)

Josh Dasilva (Brentford)
Kyle Bartley (West Bromwich Albion)
Rhys Murphy (Yeovil Town)

Colin Kazim-Richards (Derby County)
Harry Chapman (Shrewsbury Town on loan from Blackburn Rovers) x2
Joe Ironside (Cambridge United)
Kyle Bartley (West Bromwich Albion)




Season 8 Game 19 (22-25 January)

THE ‘No records exist in the archives’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
Usually this would be named because of the weekend birthdays of some celebrities, someone for diversity, and someone from a band that Barney likes. Since there were no details left for this one, and possibly to pad this entry out a little, this week is a little different. This results-only edition saw the birthdays of the following footballers:

Friday 22nd:
Fabricio Coloccini (39), Ryan Harley (36), David Martin (35), Shane Long (34), Ryan Wade (33), Theo Robinson and Lois Maynard (32), James Armson (31), Jimmy Keohane, Adam Walker, Samuel Saiz and Ceri Morgan (30), Achraf Lazaar and Reece Connolly (29), Maximiliano Amondarain (28), Kyle Turnbull and Tommy Fletcher (26), Angus Gunn and Joel Coustrain (25), Dimitar Mitov (24), Cameron Pring, Adam Frizzell and Pedro Pereira (23), Thomas Edwards (22) and Fabio Tavares (20).

Saturday 23rd:
Steven Thomson (43), Brian Howard (38), Niki Maenpaa and Matty Robson (36), Michael Gardyne, Marc Laird and Steven Taylor (35), Wes Thomas and Joe Ledley (34), Alan Power (33), James Chester and Paul Turnbull (32), Martyn Waghorn (31), Kevin Brown and Yeni N’Gbakoto (29), Ross Docherty (28), Wesley Jobello, Oliver Sprague and Alex Grant (27), Conor Wilkinson (26), Ruben Loftus-Cheek, Liam Kelly and Ross Matthews (25), Stefan O’Connor, Devlin Mackay and Giorgio Rasulo (24) and Malang Sarr (22).

Sunday 24th:
Dannie Bulman (42), Ian Henderson (36), Wayne Hennessey, Curtis Weston, Luis Suarez and Steven Mouyokolo (34), Al Bangura (33), Ki Sung-Yueng, Samba Diakite and Adam McGurk (32), Joe McNerney (31), James Comley (30), Thomas Verheydt and Marko Dmitrovic (29), Jamie McDonald (28), Jordan Moore-Taylor, Tommie Hoban, Craig Bell and Sean Kavanagh (27), Charlie Anagho-Ntamark (26), Yuri Ribeiro and Connor Lemonheigh-Evans (24), Aaron Jarvis (23), Jaden Brown and Jamie Barjonas (22) and Connor Simpson (21).

Monday 25th:
Youssouf Mulumbu (34), Danny Williams and Adam Hammill (33), Gareth Dean and Chris Arthur (31), Kelvin Mellor and Ahmed Hegazi (30), Moritz Bauer, Alex Johnson and Jordan McKechnie (29), Kevin Holt (28), Sean Raggett and Allan Smith (27), Joel Logan (26), Adama Traore (25), Jamal Lewis (23), Caleb Chukwuemeka and Jimmy Knowles (19).


Punishment for a blank is severe. And here it is…
Howard: “Mina was happy to score today – he was a very merry Yerry”. Well, you asked for it.


Even The Dread Hand of Barney had a rest today. Unconfirmed sightings place our holidaying creature from the netherworld in Rotherham. But they were only rumours…

When we last updated the scores, it seemed to be a runaway win for The Blades. After 19 game-weeks, the current scores are: Sheffield United – 8 1/2, Peterborough United – 5, Sheffield Wednesday – 3, Charlton Athletic on 2 1/2, and Arsenal, appropriately enough, bringing up the rear with 0.


Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
Gary Madine (Blackpool)
Hallam Hope (Swindon Town)
Steven Fletcher (Stoke City)
Vadaine Oliver (Gillingham)

Danny Lloyd (Tranmere Rovers)
Jermaine Anderson (Aldershot Town)
Josh McQuoid (Weymouth)
Tom Conlon (Port Vale)
Toumani Diagouraga (Morecambe)

Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
Joe Aribo (Rangers)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Josh Magennis (Hull City)

Chuks Aneke (Charlton Athletic)
Craig Eastmond (Sutton United)
Josh Rees (Aldershot Town)

Andy Butler (Doncaster Rovers) o.g.
Colin Kazim-Richards (Derby County)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Gary Madine (Blackpool)



Season 8 Game 18 (15-18 January)

THE ‘golden Girl and His Dark Materials are By Your Side’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Betty White (99), Lin-Michael Miranda (41), and Sadé (62!).

Barney: Marlon Pack’s his bags?
Chris: [Nothing recorded]
Howard: Lee scores from a tight Angol.

Fraizer Campbell at Huddersfield Town, Christian Pulisic at Chelsea and Vadaine Oliver at Gillingham were hoping Barney’s throat infection didn’t leave him talking like Sean Dyche permanently [we suspect it might have been actual demonic possession]…

And the results were: No (but he was booked), No (injured), and No – so, a clean sweep for the Dark Side!


Elliott Frear, whose last three clubs Motherwell – Forest Green Rovers – Heart of Midlothian – would seem to fit this category. Also Connor Shields (Alloa Athletic – Aldershot Town – Queen of the South).


Generally difficult to find, but looking at the first result, brought this: Wolverhampton Wanderers 2-3 West Bromwich Albion (HT 2 – 1, FT 2 – 3). Sterling team-talk there…


Roll call [hey, we’re about 6 weeks behind here!] : Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall (Luton Town),
Jake Forster-Caskey (Charlton Athletic),
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Peterborough United),
Nathaniel Knight-Percival (Morecambe) o.g.,
Davis Keillor-Dunn (Oldham Athletic) and
Reece Hall-Johnson (Wrexham).

Zak Jules (Walsall) – 11 clubs at age 23. At time of writing, he had played 80 first-team games, so this makes an average of just over 7 games per club!

Aitor Karanka, former Middlesbrough manager, now (currently!) boss of Birmingham City (after beating his former team 1-0 at The Riverside).

Barney – called Rochdale v Wigan Athletic at 1-2 [and ten men for Rochdale] on 50 min – Finished: 3-3 – FAILED!
– called Peterborough United v Milton Keynes Dons at 3-0 on 76 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
– called Cardiff City v Norwich City at 0-2 on 28 min min – Finished: 1-2 – FAILED!

About all there is, is this – Bolton Wanderers v Cheltenham Town would have been a decent shout for “Is it cup week?” 1-1 since you didn’t ask…

David McGoldrick (Sheffield United)
Hallam Hope (Swindon Town)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)
Will Keane (Wigan Athletic)

Kyle Dempsey (Gillingham)
Lee Angol (Leyton Orient)
Nathaniel Knight-Percival (Morecambe) o.g.

Semi Ajayi (West Bromwich Albion)

Semi Ajayi (West Bromwich Albion)

Scott Hogan (Birmingham City)



Season 8 Game 17 (8-11 January)

THE ‘Hypothetically, the Duchess is for the High Jump’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of James Acaster (36), Kate Middleton (39), and Katarina Johnson-Thompson (28) [there were quite a few to choose from for this week e.g. Jimmy Page 76, Paolo Nutini 34, Joely Richardson 55, Rod Stewart 76, Abbey Clancy 35. Rachel Riley 35, Jamelia 40, Jamie Vardy 34…etc etc]

No Zingers listed, so the usual punishment applies – Howard: “Scully has scored – his Agent will be pleased.” [Anthony Scully of Lincoln City in their 1-1 draw with Peterborough United].

Facing a strangely fierce winter chill were Jamal Lowe at Swansea City [ON THE BENCH], Nicky Maynard at Mansfield Town [DIDN’T PLAY] and Kallum Higginbotham at Kelty Hearts [!!!] (SCORED at Stranraer in the cup – obviously too low a level for The Thing to bother about)…

Rarer than er…something very rare. Again, it’s a blank this time.

Another tricky one to get, and without any contemporary notes to speak of, this is always going to be a blank.


Take your pick from Colby Bishop (Accrington Stanley), Devante Rodney (Port Vale), Devante Cole (Motherwell) and Mason Mount (Chelsea), Jayden Bogle (Sheffield United). Also, maybe Reeco Hackett-Fairchild (Southend United). Innit.

None called this week. Sorry, Tony FAILED!

In amongst the usual Alfies, Kilgour (Bristol Rovers), May (Cheltenham Town), Devine (Tottenham Hotspur) and Mattys, Lund (Rochdale), there are a couple of newbies and possibles in Charlie Lakin (Ross County) and Kenny McLean (Norwich City). Now get that homework done.

Sitting at the back of the four-ale bar playing pre-Lockdown dominoes, and sipping pints of milk stout,  we found Kenneth Zohore (Millwall), Bobby Reid (Fulham) and Fred Onyedinma (Wycombe Wanderers).

Had it been on the list, Barrow’s 1-0 away defeat to Southend would have been a perfect ‘Where’s Russell?’, with a 640 mile (or 688 if you were too mean to pay the toll) round trip to see your side lose by the odd goal.

Note – the category may well have to be renamed, with Russell Martin now the boss of Milton Keynes Dons. Suggestions are welcome (ish).

When Taylor Richards scored for Doncaster Rovers, it’s almost certain that Barney or Chris (or both) would have said “LAW FIRM!”. In this case, they would be right – [LINK]


Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Gary Madine (Blackpool)

George Moncur (Luton Town)
Joe Day (Bristol Rovers on loan from Cardiff City)
Josh Knight (Wycombe Wanderers on loan from Leicester City)
Shaun Brisley (Port Vale)

Lyle Taylor (Nottingham Forest)
Reeco Hackett-Fairchild (Southend United on loan from Portsmouth)
Semi Ajayi (West Bromwich Albion)

Semi Ajayi (West Bromwich Albion)

David Brooks (Bournemouth)
Gary Madine (Blackpool)
Joe Ironside (Cambridge United)
Lyle Taylor (Nottingham Forest)



Season 8 Game 16 (1-4 Jan 2021)

THE ‘Saving the World, One More Time from 52 Festive Road’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Greta Thunberg (18), Thomas Bangelter of Daft Punk (46) and David McKee, the Mr Benn creator (86!).

Barney: ‘Ferry capsizes at Peterhead’ [Si Ferry, one of two sent off for The Blue Toon; despite the 2-man advantage, Cove Rangers only managed a 1-0 win]
Chris: [no comment]
Howard: Huddersfield are wondering ‘Joao’ Lucas scored that one.” [Joao’s two goals helped Reading to a 2-1 away win at Huddersfield Town]

Robert McHugh at Queens’ Park (DIDN’T PLAY), Andre Ayew at Swansea City (DIDN’T SCORE) and Paul Mullin at Cambridge United (SCORED…OOPS!) were hoping in vain for a Happy New Year.

Barney – called Mansfield Town v Port Vale before the game started – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
– called Burton Albion v Oxford United at 0-3 on 33 min – Finished: 1-5 – FAILED!
– called 911 – FAILED!

It was a possible ‘Fresh Hell’ at Burton Albion where manager-to-be Jimmy-Floyd Hasselbaink saw his charges lose 5-1 at home. Was it too late to  reconsider…

For this second slimmed-down HiH edition, the planned categories were to be Local Boy, Fresh Hell, Don’t Call Me Shirley, Where’s Russell and An Evening With Paul Robinson. Sadly that was not to be, but this is all that remains of Barney’s notes, so we have what we have. Blame Matt Hancock.

Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
Gary Madine (Blackpool)
Lucas Joao (Reading) x2

A rare blank!

Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
Brandon Hanlan (Bristol Rovers)

Chuba Akpom (Middlesbrough)

Gary Madine (Blackpool)



Season 8 Game 15 (Boxing Day)

THE ‘Ordinary People meet The Baroness and The Dowager’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of John Legend (42), Sienna Miller (39) and Dame Maggie Smith (86).

Barney: [nothing recorded]
Chris:[nothing recorded]
Howard: “It’s a Fresh Hel-ik for Huddersfield Town” [Michal Helik’s two goals helped Barnsley win this Yorkshire derby 2-1]

The Dread Hand of Barney was up against various worldwide vaccines, so had Its’ work cut out whilst also trying to put the hex on Jack Leitch at Stirling Albion, Tom Pope at Port Vale and Conor McAleny at Oldham Athletic.

In order, the results were: (a) He didn’t play, (b) No, and (c) Yes.

Barney – didn’t call one – FAILED!
– called a Defensive Gub for Arsenal v Chelsea before the game  – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
– called a Spite Gub with Everton v Sheffield  United, again before the match even started – Finished: 1-0 – FAILED!

This is the first of four (so far!) slimmed-down editions, partly due to the current world situation, partly because of a lack of Barney’s notes, and partly down to Brexit.

Anyway, the categories were due to have been: It Don’t Mean Nuthin’, Make Ya Ma Proud, Local Boy Made Good, Don’t Call Me Shirley and PAGGA! Most of this would end up blank, with the exception of familiar ‘Shirley’, Tammy Abraham.

There wasn’t much in the Zingers category, so there’s definitely room for one from our bewigged overlord Jeff Stelling: “Kevin O’Hara has scored [for Dunfermline] – Scarlet will be pleased”!


Will Keane (Wigan Athletic)

Charlie Lee (Yeovil Town) o.g.
Harry Anderson (Lincoln City)
Jermaine Anderson (Aldershot Town) x2
Marcus Maddison (Charlton Athletic)

Conor McAleny (Oldham Athletic)
Lee Novak (Bradford City)
Tony Watt (Motherwell)

Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Livingston)

James Wilson (Salford City)


Season 8 Game 14 (18-21 Dec)

THE ‘I Knocked Up a Bad Man at My Best Friend’s Wedding’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Jonah Hill (37), Billie Eilish (19) and Rachel Phillips (52) over the weekend.

Barney: ‘That Mighten be the equaliser for Forest’ [Alex Cole Mighten]
Chris: ‘There’s one chance for Aneke he didn’t Chuks away’
Howard: ‘Fontaine has scored for Dundee – “Just”‘ [that’s a zinger…just. Actually, Liam.]

Has been rather busy checking all her colleagues have received Christmas cards ‘Let’s see Hecate in the Underworld – check, Yachar, the floor below – check, Tantalus at the lake – check, Sean Dyche at Burnley- che…oh curses, there’s always one’

And so it proved with the goalscorers it had targeted. The ‘one’ in this case being Max Watters at Crawley who did score whilst neither Sam Surridge at Bournemouth or Cauley Woodrow at Barnsley could.

Brian Reid, Albion Rovers manager gave a half-time talk for the ages to his squad with the scores goal-less at half-time. Perhaps the away team were still pondering the quality of his rhetoric throughout the second half as the game ended 4-0 to the home team, Stranraer. The South-Westernly Scottish outfit were Reid’s former employers, which I guess could make for an It Don’t Mean Nuthin’ and probably should’ve gone in the Miscellaneous section, but there you go.

Late news: Mr Reid may be usurped at the winner as Eastleigh’s Ben Strevens saw his team go 3-0 up away to Wealdstone in the FA Trophy. His inspirational words during the break saw Wealdstone to a 4-3 success…

We have a winner, ye gods! Ben Whiteman (Sheffield United-Mansfield Town-Doncaster Rovers). All within 30 miles! Miracles do happen around Christmas.

The prolific David Goodwillie at Clyde (can’t imagine why he’s not joined a bigger club…) should really be buying shares in this. He’s joined here by Port Vale’s Tom Pope, who’s known to get a ‘bit punchy’ at inappropriate times.

We don’t normally dig this deep for a category but Fort William’s history of mediocrity is well known enough to attract national media. Such attention has made for a mild improvement in form but their overall record is still so evidentially wretched that a 0-10 home reverse to Brora Rangers easily qualifies here.

That we’re highlighting the above Dry Wyngarde indicates there wasn’t much else to go on, as I’m not sure if Crystal Palace 0-7 Liverpool makes the grade as Palace were 9th before that Mullahing. Welwyn Garden City 1-5 Aldershot Town in the FA Trophy saw the away team wallop a club two divisions below them so maybe that’s one to note too.

Zak Dearnley at Oldham Athletic and Harrison Biggins at Barrow (“Law Firm”) for starters plus Taylor Richards at Doncaster Rovers. And it’s further down than we normally look but there’s also Roarie Deacon at Havant & Waterlooville in National League South. Quite honestly there were a veritable smorgasbord of players to choose from with names akin to those who follow the (what our Irish correspondent reports) way of the ‘Skanger’ [untranslatable on Google].

Again we have a late winner [if we count teams in the Isthmian League(!) and National League South], and so did Haringey Borough in their upset win over Dartford in the FA Trophy with one of our favourites from yesteryear Bobson Bawling, scoring in the 91st minute to defeat the Darts.


Barney – called Edinburgh City v Stirling at 0-3 on 41min – Finished: 2-3 – FAILED!
– called Brenford v Reading at 3-0 on 36 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED! And a SUCCESSFUL! Stealth Wyngarde at Fort William v Brora Rangers, with the score at 0-5 at the interval (finished 0-10).
– called Birmingham City v Middlesborough called at 1-3 on 57min – Finished: 1-4 – FAILED!

Slimmer than normal for a number of reasons. Let’s blame Brexit.

George Saville (now then, now then) scored again for Middlesborough. That’s one for the Old School and Stuart Ripley, along with Ian Baird were happy to join in with the midfielders celebrations at Ayresome Park.

Morecambe’s Yann Songo’o is quite the traveller, having completed stints in Spain before moving to the MLS, joining Kansas City before moving up in the world with clubs such as Blackburn Rovers, Plymouth Argyle and Scunthorpe United. Appropriate that he should be playing for a club whose ground is currently titled the Globe Arena. It’s Songo’o’s birthplace of Yaounde, Cameroon’s capital city which clearly indicates he’s a Local Boy Makes Good.

Grimsby Town v Scunthorpe United. That would be a most Unpleasant Local Derby.

Stevie May (St Johnstone)

Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Danny Andrew (Fleetwood Town)
Jonathan Obika (St Mirren)
Luke James (Barrow)
Omar Bogle (Charlton Athletic)
Tom Conlon (Port Vale)


charlton02Conor McAleny (Oldham Athletic)
Jonathan Obika (St Mirren)
Josh Magennis (Hull City) o.g.


Chuks Aneke (Charlton Athletic)
Danny Welbeck (Brighton and Hove Albion)


Ben Whiteman (Doncaster Rovers)
James Wilson (Salford City)



Season 8 Game 13 (11-14 Dec)

THE ‘Harsh Judging in Fargo? Give Us A Clue!’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Robert Rinder (42), Steve Buscemi (63), Lionel ‘Vinyl’ Blair (92!). [A hat-tip to Mr C Smith for this week’s title. Always good to share the blame and that.]


Nothing recorded, so the usual punishment applies: “Campbell’s two goals gets Edinburgh out of the soup.”
Hah. [Josh Campbell of Edinburgh City’s goals earned his club a 3-3 draw at Queen’s Park].

Raised a carpal in surprise at the news Lionel Blair was still compus mentis. This set our decayed friend off on recalling other stars of variety in the 70s together with the knowledge that it can’t be too long before it meets such period luminaries as Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall down there. ‘I can’t wait to see them down here and I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking that’ stated the Being.

Despite looking forward to such an occasion, it didn’t neglect its current duties and blanked Lucas Joao at Reading, Alex Reid at Stockport County and Luke Jephcott at Plymouth Argyle.

Jonson Clarke-Harris needed to only score once to get a mention, that he got a hat-trick will get him a hearty ‘huzzah’ in the headmaster’s oratory when term opens. Davis Keillor-Dunn’s goal for Oldham Athletic pales in comparison, though his efforts will ensure he won’t be ‘invited’ to join in the ‘biscuit game’. [Note: don’t, whatever you do, look this up, as it’s from Barney].

Jonson Clarke-Harris and Davis Keillor-Dunn, along with Peterhead’s Lyall Cameron (who also netted this week) would be undoubtedly shoo-ins for the ex-Category Law Firm, were it not like shooting fish in a barrel…

Three nailed-on candidates here. 524 miles there and back from Huddersfield Town to Bournemouth, where the Terriers were gubbed 5-0. It’s a very similar distance (528 miles) all told from Birkenhead to Exeter, where Tranmere Rovers also had 5 put past them with no reply. But in terms of scoring, it’s to the Crooked Spire where fans of financially-snookered Barnet didn’t travel, failing to see their team lose 6-0 to Chesterfield and thus not enduring a 289 mile, 5 hour all-round journey.

Barney – called Middlesborough v Millwall at 3-0 on 25 min – Finished – 3-0 FAILED!
Howard / Chris
– nothing recorded – FAILED!

Another bloody Alfie here (what’s it all about?). This time around it’s Kilgour, the Bristol Rovers centreback. Falkirk’s Charlie Telfer also scored at the weekend, but he’s the son of a footballer, so that may be his actual given name.

Originally this would’ve been Burton Albion’s Colin Daniel, which is debatable, but both Soccerbase and BT Sport had the scorer of Queens Park’s third goal as William (NOT Billy) Baynham which is almost certainly more like it. More from this fixture below.

Just blowing the cobwebs off this category…
And there were a good few competitors for this award, Derby County and Stoke City combined for 4 shots on target, all of which were from the home team and Blackpool v Oxford United served up similar fare. But we’ll go right up to the zenith of English football, with Manchester United v Manchester City racking up, once again 4 shots on target between them in 90-odd minutes of non-pulsating action from The Best League In The WorldTM.

The aforementioned William Baynham, goalscoring midfielder at Queens Park is a native of Queensland, Australia and that’s as good a Local Boy Makes Good as you’ll find, though there’s also strong competition coming from Oldham Athletic’s Congolese midfielder Dylan Bahamboula and Woking’s Bulgarian striker Spasi Slasov.

Further material still from the Queens Park v Edinburgh City match is gleaned with the final goal in said game being scored by Edinburgh’s Gabby McGill, a future Don’t Call Me Shirley.

A couple of prime Unpleasant Local Derby’s were noted in this week’s fixtures with the Owls facing Barnsley and Wigan Athletic v Accrington Stanley – the latter also leading to calls of Is It Cup Week?

Boreham Wood was the place to be (really?) for those who were Born In Burberry with the home team’s Sorba Thomas netting and Shadrach Ogie amongst those who scored for the visitors, Aldershot Town. Honourable mentions going out to Bristol Rovers’ Zain Westbrook and Southampton’s Che Adams. Anymore of these would make for a ‘handsome massive’.

3 was the magic number for It Don’t Mean Nuthin’ as we noted Dwight Gayle scoring for Newcastle United v West Bromwich Albion, Joe Pigott scoring for Wimbledon v Charlton Athletic and Che Adams completing the troika for Southampton against Sheffield United.

Finally, Burton Albion’s Colin Daniel ‘s 11 clubs at 32 are only good enough for just the certificate of thanks, not the Claridge Clock as Chesterfield’s Akwasi Asante (Amsterdam-born, so yet another Local Boy Makes Good) with 11 clubs at 28 gets a plaque and Newport’s Jamie Proctor, with 14 clubs at 28 collects the timepiece.

Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Will Keane (Wigan Athletic)

Carl Piergianni (Oldham Athletic)
Colin Daniel (Burton Albion)
Conor Washington (Charlton Athletic)
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United)
Ivan Toney (Brentford)
Jamie Walker (Heart of Midlothian)
Kyle Dempsey (Gillingham)
Tom Nichols (Crawley Town)

Michael Smith (Rotherham United)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon) – counting double against his old club
Ricky Holmes (Northampton Town)
Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)

Chuks Aneke (Charlton Athletic)
Josh Dasilva (Brentford)

Che Adams (Southampton) – counting double against his old club
Conor Washington (Charlton Athletic)
David Brooks (Bournemouth)
Joe Riley (Carlisle United)
Ricky Holmes (Northampton Town)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)
Shea Gordon (Partick Thistle)
Stefan Scougall (Alloa Athletic)