THE ‘Harsh Judging in Fargo? Give Us A Clue!’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Robert Rinder (42), Steve Buscemi (63), Lionel ‘Vinyl’ Blair (92!). [A hat-tip to Mr C Smith for this week’s title. Always good to share the blame and that.]

Nothing recorded, so the usual punishment applies: “Campbell’s two goals gets Edinburgh out of the soup.”
Hah. [Josh Campbell of Edinburgh City’s goals earned his club a 3-3 draw at Queen’s Park].

Raised a carpal in surprise at the news Lionel Blair was still compus mentis. This set our decayed friend off on recalling other stars of variety in the 70s together with the knowledge that it can’t be too long before it meets such period luminaries as Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall down there. ‘I can’t wait to see them down here and I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking that’ stated the Being.

Despite looking forward to such an occasion, it didn’t neglect its current duties and blanked Lucas Joao at Reading, Alex Reid at Stockport County and Luke Jephcott at Plymouth Argyle.

Jonson Clarke-Harris needed to only score once to get a mention, that he got a hat-trick will get him a hearty ‘huzzah’ in the headmaster’s oratory when term opens. Davis Keillor-Dunn’s goal for Oldham Athletic pales in comparison, though his efforts will ensure he won’t be ‘invited’ to join in the ‘biscuit game’. [Note: don’t, whatever you do, look this up, as it’s from Barney].

Jonson Clarke-Harris and Davis Keillor-Dunn, along with Peterhead’s Lyall Cameron (who also netted this week) would be undoubtedly shoo-ins for the ex-Category Law Firm, were it not like shooting fish in a barrel…

Three nailed-on candidates here. 524 miles there and back from Huddersfield Town to Bournemouth, where the Terriers were gubbed 5-0. It’s a very similar distance (528 miles) all told from Birkenhead to Exeter, where Tranmere Rovers also had 5 put past them with no reply. But in terms of scoring, it’s to the Crooked Spire where fans of financially-snookered Barnet didn’t travel, failing to see their team lose 6-0 to Chesterfield and thus not enduring a 289 mile, 5 hour all-round journey.

Barney – called Middlesborough v Millwall at 3-0 on 25 min – Finished – 3-0 FAILED!
Howard / Chris – nothing recorded – FAILED!

Another bloody Alfie here (what’s it all about?). This time around it’s Kilgour, the Bristol Rovers centreback. Falkirk’s Charlie Telfer also scored at the weekend, but he’s the son of a footballer, so that may be his actual given name.

Originally this would’ve been Burton Albion’s Colin Daniel, which is debatable, but both Soccerbase and BT Sport had the scorer of Queens Park’s third goal as William (NOT Billy) Baynham which is almost certainly more like it. More from this fixture below.

Just blowing the cobwebs off this category…
And there were a good few competitors for this award, Derby County and Stoke City combined for 4 shots on target, all of which were from the home team and Blackpool v Oxford United served up similar fare. But we’ll go right up to the zenith of English football, with Manchester United v Manchester City racking up, once again 4 shots on target between them in 90-odd minutes of non-pulsating action from The Best League In The World^TM.

The aforementioned William Baynham, goalscoring midfielder at Queens Park is a native of Queensland, Australia and that’s as good a Local Boy Makes Good as you’ll find, though there’s also strong competition coming from Oldham Athletic’s Congolese midfielder Dylan Bahamboula and Woking’s Bulgarian striker Spasi Slasov.

Further material still from the Queens Park v Edinburgh City match is gleaned with the final goal in said game being scored by Edinburgh’s Gabby McGill, a future Don’t Call Me Shirley.

A couple of prime Unpleasant Local Derby’s were noted in this week’s fixtures with the Owls facing Barnsley and Wigan Athletic v Accrington Stanley – the latter also leading to calls of Is It Cup Week?

Boreham Wood was the place to be (really?) for those who were Born In Burberry with the home team’s Sorba Thomas netting and Shadrach Ogie amongst those who scored for the visitors, Aldershot Town. Honourable mentions going out to Bristol Rovers’ Zain Westbrook and Southampton’s Che Adams. Anymore of these would make for a ‘handsome massive’.

3 was the magic number for It Don’t Mean Nuthin’ as we noted Dwight Gayle scoring for Newcastle United v West Bromwich Albion, Joe Pigott scoring for Wimbledon v Charlton Athletic and Che Adams completing the troika for Southampton against Sheffield United.

Finally, Burton Albion’s Colin Daniel ‘s 11 clubs at 32 are only good enough for just the certificate of thanks, not the Claridge Clock as Chesterfield’s Akwasi Asante (Amsterdam-born, so yet another Local Boy Makes Good) with 11 clubs at 28 gets a plaque and Newport’s Jamie Proctor, with 14 clubs at 28 collects the timepiece.

Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Will Keane (Wigan Athletic)

Carl Piergianni (Oldham Athletic)
Colin Daniel (Burton Albion)
Conor Washington (Charlton Athletic)
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United)
Ivan Toney (Brentford)
Jamie Walker (Heart of Midlothian)
Kyle Dempsey (Gillingham)
Tom Nichols (Crawley Town)

Michael Smith (Rotherham United)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon) – counting double against his old club
Ricky Holmes (Northampton Town)
Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)

Chuks Aneke (Charlton Athletic)
Josh Dasilva (Brentford)

Che Adams (Southampton) – counting double against his old club
Conor Washington (Charlton Athletic)
David Brooks (Bournemouth)
Joe Riley (Carlisle United)
Ricky Holmes (Northampton Town)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)
Shea Gordon (Partick Thistle)
Stefan Scougall (Alloa Athletic)

ANOTHER BLADES WIN!