Season 4 Game 14 (7-10 Oct)

THE ‘GORDON’S ALIVE and Shameless in London’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of stentorian foghorn Brian Blessed (80), Anne-Marie Duff and Mayor of London Sadiq Khan (both 46).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘{David} Clarkson puts St Mirren in overdrive’
Chris: ‘It’s curtains for Forfar as {Greg} Draper scores for The New Saints’
Howard: ‘This time it was {Jason} Kennedy doing the shooting for Carlisle’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Has been so engrossed by the generous coverage of Test Match Bowls on ITV4 that it almost forgot to send waves of non-scoring maliciousness to Oxford’s Maguire, Northampton’s Revell and Gillingham’s MacDonald, which only the latter withstood.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
The best that I can find is Braintree’s Lee Barnard. Even as I type this, I can see Mr Quick shaking his head. [Barney is right. I judge the defendant as “Not Guilty”]

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Tranmere Rovers v Wrexham: Deep cross in from right is caught by Wrexham keeper Shwan Jalal. Fellow Red Dragon, the appropriately-named Curtis Tilt, goes on tilt and barrels into Jalal, knocking himself, Jalal and ball into net. 1-0 Tranmere. [CLICK LINK] for all the details. Note Tilt’s pointing at Jalal and every other Wrexham player, and Jalal, throwing a cockeyed glare at Tilt. Reports that ‘Scooby Doo Noises’ were heard the away team’s dugout can’t be confirmed.

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
Christian Burgess at Portsmouth (Middlesborough – Peterborough United – Portsmouth) or Danny Woodards (Bristol Rovers – Tranmere Rovers, Boreham Wood) both got on the scoresheet. More of Mr Woodards in “Bendtner!”.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
Easier than usual, thanks to Blackpool left-back and Duran Duran guitarist Andy Taylor’s late free kick equaliser against Cambridge United.

Bendtner!Bendtner!
Boreham Wood’s defender Danny Woodards’ fifth goal in 323 appearances at the weekend. Goal per game ratio of 1 per 64.6 games, or a goal every 97 hours. But of course – BARNEY – he’s a DEFENDER!!!! and so ineligible for the award (see the small print in the Categories page).

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Edinburgh City v Elgin City at 0-2 on 35 min – Finished: 1-2 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Sutton United v Woking at 3-0 on 47 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Doncaster Rovers v Barnet at 2-0 on 32 min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!

Miscellany

Fun and games at Accrington Stanley (there’s an oxymoron) where during the 1-1 draw with Cheltenham Town, after Stanley’s Matty (rolls eyes) Pearson was buzzsawed by Harry Pell, resulting in a 20 person ‘handbags’ which also involved both sidelines. This game also saw Terry Gornell (4 in 56 games for Cheltenham Town) get his 8th goal in 20 games for Accrington and an unimpeachable It Don’t Mean Nuthin’

A Brighton is a rare find, so kudos goes to Dunfermline Athletic’s Farid El-Alagui and Plymouth Argyle’s Sonny Bradley. Both of these players scored twice at the right end and once at the wrong end. Technically, this is beyond a ‘Brighton’ and all enquiries regarding people scoring at both ends will be handled by our Adult Movie correspondent Barney…

This week’s shirt sponsor is ESEM, which books and organises training camps for ‘Some of Europe’s biggest teams’. Quite how many people will associate Edgeley Park, home of National League North side Stockport County with ‘Some of Europe’s biggest teams’ could be debated, but at least ESEM’s owner is a lifelong County fan, living as he does in northern Spain.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoRyan Lowe (Crewe Alexandra)
Shwan Jalal (Wrexham) o.g.


FourChristian Burgess (Portsmouth)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)
Shwan Jalal (Wrexham) o.g.

charlton02
OneNicky Bailey (Sutton United)

Arsenal
TwoBrandon Ormonde-Ottewill (Swindon Town) o.g.
Roarie Deacon (Sutton United)


FiveAndy Taylor (Blackpool)
Darius Henderson (Mansfield Town)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Nicky Law (Bradford City)
Ryan Flynn (Oldham Athletic)

OVERALL RESULT: TWO 90TH MINUTE GOALS KEEP STEVE’S TITLE CHALLENGE ON TRACK!

Season 4 Game 13 (30 Sept – 3 Oct)

THE Mary Poppins’ Hungover Dare HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Julie Andrews (81), Zack Galifianakis (47; whoever he may be…Barney?! Why?? Was there a shortage of birthdays?) and Sheffield legend Phil Oakey (61).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Arbroath’s defence was blind to Edinburgh’s See’
Chris: Absent
Howard: ‘Brighton’s goal was ‘Baldock’s’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Had a rather unfortunate moment at the Co-op, as they couldn’t find the option to use their 28 stamp books to pay at the self-service machines. After a nice young man helped it out, the quasi-supernatural being returned to its house and dropped the boom on Arsenal’s Alexis Sanchez, Morecambe’s Cole Stockton and Hartlepool’s Nathan Thomas. Clearly the curse was stronger than expected as the Morecambe game was postponed due to a sudden downpour waterlogging the pitch. Elgin’s Craig Gunn was called as the replacement but only Nathan Thomas of the Monkeyhangers beat the sanction.

Pagga!Pagga!
Delighted to report a winner here, with the rumble between Gateshead’s Danny Johnson (Straight Red for alleged ‘tackle’) and Torquay United’s Ben Gerring (retaliation). Adding to the fun, Gerring was only playing having appealed a previous red card. That’s going to be five matches he’ll be sitting out.

Fresh HellFresh Hell
A rather unusual start to the proceedings, as Liverpool’s Jurgen Klopp cuts loose against his own team after a 2-1 win over Swansea:

“I was very angry. I have lost a lot of football games, but today makes no sense,” Klopp said. “We were not ready and it is my responsibility. It was not good.
“The build-up was too static, no movement. We were never compact enough and we lost a lot of balls. We got better in the second half and when we let the ball roll it became difficult for Swansea.
“The second half was better, but still not brilliant.”

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Chester 5-0 Dover Athletic. Translates as a handsome 578 driving miles and 9hr 42 mins round trip for the team with the disappointingly mundane nickname of ‘The Whites’. Though thinking about it, that probably goes down rather well in that part of Kent.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Kilmarnock v Aberdeen, called at 0-3 on 60 min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Forfar Athletic v Montrose called at 0-3 on 63 min – Finished: 1-3 – FAILED!
Chris
– AWOL FAILED!

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Aberdeen’s Ash Taylor, christened ‘Ashton’. What’s wrong with Ashton Taylor? A perfect candidate for the late, lamented (by some of us) category of ‘Law Firm’ and possibly a ‘Born Under Burberry’ for that matter.

Old SchoolOld School
Millwall’s Fred Onyedima scored at the weekend, apparently impressing the watching Spurs boss, Bill Nicholson, in the process.

Miscellany

We clap our hands for Gillingham’s Rory Donnelly, who was sent off for ‘gesturing’ at the AFC Wimbledon fans. No footage of said transgression can be found, but descriptions report he signaled how many goals his team had conceded in a 2-0 defeat.

Guiseley, home of Barney’s favourite far-right MP, Philip Davies, haven’t won in the National League this season and are a very early candidate for The Travel Pages. ‘The Yorkshire Lions’ looked to change their form with the signing of ex-Blades and Oldham  Athleticfull-back Connor Brown last week. Brown celebrated his debut by scoring an own goal in a 1-0 loss. Doesn’t get much more definite as far as a Make Ya Ma Proud moment goes.

This week’s shirt sponsor is The Jones Building Group, who adorn the kit of Yeovil Town FC. They claim to be a national group, which is backed up amply by having offices in places all over the UK. Or at least Plymouth, New Milton, Portishead and hey, Yeovil. Such a provincial sponsor is better than the alternative, which was the club’s players going topless for the 2012 team photo, highlighting the lack of a backer for their shirts. Thankfully, their well-upholstered manager at the time, Gary Johnson, wore a shirt for the shoot.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoChris Maguire (Oxford United)
Tom Soares (Bury)


FourConor Washington (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)

charlton02
FiveDarren Ward (Yeovil Town)
Dean Parrett (AFC Wimbledon)
Franck Moussa (Walsall)
Marvin Sordell (Coventry City)
Tom Soares (Bury)

Arsenal
One Kyle Bartley (Leeds United on loan from Swansea City)


FourBilly Clarke (Bradford City)
Connor Brown (Guiseley) o.g.
Dominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon)
Kyle Bartley (Leeds United on loan from Swansea City)

OVERALL RESULT: FINALLY A BREAK FOR LUFFY – CHARLTON TAKE THE TITLE!

Season 4 Game 12 (27-28 Sept)

THE ‘Lizzie McGuire and Pepper Potts in Pole Position’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Hilary Duff (29) Gwyneth Paltrow (44) and Formula 1’s Mika Hakkinen (48).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Scunthorpe’s {Neil} Bishop keeps Walsall in Check’
Chris: ‘Prince {Oniangue} crowns the Wolves equiliser’
Howard: ‘With Sam in the team, Barnsley will ‘Winnall’ their games’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
…was delighted to find UK Gold were repeating the earliest episodes of Last Of The Summer Wine, with Compo, Clegg and Blamire, as it never really took to Foggy. Nethertheless, it took time out to foist tides of ill will in the direction of Luton Town’s Cameron McGeehan, Doncaster Rovers’ Andy Williams and Chesterfield’s Kristian Dennis. The latter scored 29 for Macclesfield last season, so dealt with the undead every home game and proved this steadfastness by scoring again on Tuesday, unlike the other two labouring under the curse.

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
The best I could find is Jamie Ward, who’s last five clubs are Chesterfield, Sheffield United, Derby County, Nottingham Forest and now Burton Albion.

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Luton’s Alan Sheeham, with 10 clubs to his name, scored on Tuesday. Runner-up was Jabo Ibehre, who, at the grand old age of 33, has had only the 9 clubs.

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
It clearly didn’t on Tuesday and Wednesday as no incidences of scoring against old club were noticed by the HiH authorities.

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
I reckon Bristol City’s goalscorer Marlon Pack fits in nicely here. Born in the inner-city hellhole of er… Portsmouth?

Bendtner!Bendtner!
It’s not a category this week – but he scored. Yes, really.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Wycombe Wanderers v Crewe Alexandra, called at 2-0 on 40 min – Finished: 5-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– was AWOL – FAILED!
Chris
– called Walsall v Scunthorpe United, called at 0-2 on 13 min – Finished: 1-4 – FAILED!

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
Ipswich Town’s bore-draw with Brighton & Hove Albion: one shot on target every 45 mins (that would be 2 in the entire game for those who are mathematically challenged).

Miscellany

Leyton Orient’s Robbie Weir hasn’t had a great start to the season, having lost the captaincy, then his place in the O’s team. Recalled, then getting sent off after NINETEEN SECONDS against Plymouth Argyle won’t help either but it does make for an excellent Make Ya Ma Proud.

Looking again at that game, it’s a double MYMP (as the kids have never, ever called it) for the Matchroom Stadium outfit, as Weir’s team-mate, full-back Jens Janse was also sent off, after 16 minutes on his home debut. Orient went on to lose 2-0. Fine work there.

Oh and Wigan Athletic’s goalscorer Adam Le Fondre’s proper first name is Glenville. So there.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
NilA rare blank


EightAlan Sheehan (Luton Town)
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United) x3
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Harry Beautyman (Northampton Town)
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
ThreeMarvin Sordell (Coventry City)
Scott Wagstaff (Gillingham)
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
ThreeJay Emmanuel-Thomas (Gillingham on loan from Queen’s Park Rangers) x2
Nicklas Bendtner (Nottingham Forest)


Alex Baptiste (Preston North End on loan from Middlesbrough)
Billy Clarke (Bradford City)
Che Adams (Birmingham City)
Chris Porter (Colchester United)
Jamie Ward (Burton Albion on loan from Nottingham Forest)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Jon Stead (Notts County) x2
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon on loan from Scunthorpe United)
Nick Blackman (Derby County)
Shaun Miller (Carlisle United)
Steve Davies (Rochdale)

OVERALL RESULT: YOU ONLY HAVE TO LOOK AT THE LIST ABOVE – THE BLADES WIN AGAIN!

Season 4 Game 11 (24-27 Sept)

THE ‘Agent J. In Traffic on Sesame Street’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Will Smith (48), Catherine Zeta Jones (47) and it would’ve been the mighty Jim Henson’s 80th on the 24th.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Dagenham’s {Corey} Whitely puts Bromley in a Conundrum’
Chris: [no comment]
Howard: [absent]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was nonplussed that the newsagent down the road didn’t stock Dixon’s Yorkshire Mixture and made its dismayed way back to its house just in time to accurse Queen Of The South’s Stephen Dobbie and Carlisle’s Charlie Wyke, but failed to complete the clean sweep, as Millwall’s Aiden O’ Brien netted.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Given his prolific start to his loan spell at Bristol City, Chelsea’s Tammy Abraham was always a good shout to score. And he did, so there you go.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
We haven’t been able to fill this slot all season, so to speak (the only occurances of a ‘Brighton’ was when it was not selected). And this week was no exception.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
No instances of footballing naughtiness. The swines.

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
Quite a few good candidates for this here category, Invercally’s Lousana Doumbouya and Stenhousmuir’s Willis Furtado spring to mind. But the winner in terms of Distance has to be Walsall’s Simeon Jackson. Born in Kingston, Jamaica. Plays his international football for Canada. Hmm.

 

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Celtic (1st) – 6
Kilmarnock (11th) – 1.
Yep.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Guiseley 1-2 Macclesfield called at 0-1 on 14 min – Finished – FAILED!
Howard
– called Raith 3-2 Dumbarton called at 3-0 on 41 min – Finished – FAILED!
Chris
– [no record of any prediction here, soooooooo….] – FAILED!

Miscellany

Sam Allardyce’s indiscretions have saved us from the probable appointment of Southend’s Phil Brown as his assistant. The players’ favourite at Hull demonstrated all his powers of half-time motivation on Saturday after his Shrimpers’ teamtalk at Northampton saw a goal-less first 45 minutes become a 4-0 reverse. Halftime Churchill par-excellence and his post-game tirade against his charges easily qualified for a Fresh Hell. At least he didn’t conduct this chat on the pitch…

This week’s shirt sponsor is Coventry City’s Allsopp & Allsopp, the upmarket expat estate agency with offices in Dubai and more glamourously, Leamington Spa. They’ve re-upped their sponsorship deal with the Sky Blues earlier this year and will now be sponsoring the away shirts too. Director Carl Allsopp:

“We are delighted to expand our support in having our company logo on the away shirt for first time. The design itself is really eye catching, it actually reminds of my favourite Italian football team, AC Milan.
“The colour red in China symbolises good fortune and joy – we hope that this is the case for the season ahead.”

Alas, Coventry are stone last in League One, are playing in a stadium which isn’t really built for football, that they couldn’t afford and so no longer own and which they’ve never sold out.

The place for goals was in the Scottish Cup. Best of all was East kilbride’s Wet Wyngarde (9-1) of Vale of Leithen. In addition, we also had Inverness 0-6 Buckie Thistle and Beith 6-0 Strathspey Thistle. Note: those are not attendance figures.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
ThreeChris Maguire (Oxford United)
Jimmy Smith (Crawley Town)
Ryan Lowe (Crewe Alexandra)


TwoJonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Souleymane Coulibaly (Kilmarnock)

charlton02
FiveDarren Ward (Yeovil Town)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Kyel Reid (Coventry City)
Matt Fry (York City)-o.g.
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)

Arsenal
ThreeBrandon Ormonde-Ottewill (Swindon Town)
Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest)
Luke Freeman (Bristol City)


SevenJohn-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Jonathan Forte (Notts County)
Kyel Reid (Coventry City)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon on loan from Scunthorpe United)
Otis Khan (Yeovil Town)
Shaun Miller (Carlisle United)

OVERALL RESULT: ANOTHER WIN FOR STEVE AND THE BLADES!

Season 4 Game 10 (17-20 September)

THE ‘I’m Outta Love with Captain Darling’s Cat’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Anastacia Newkirk (48), Tim McInnerny (60) and Danny John-Jules (56).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Livingstone’s {Scott} Pittman rakes Brechin over the coals’
Chris: ‘Islam {Slimani} converts for Leicester’
Howard: ‘Harlee {Dean} gets on the bike and scores for Brentford’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Nearly missed its call as it had to have the TV repair guy around after noticing they couldn’t get Ceefax or Oracle on their set anymore. With this in mind, the fact that only Dagenham & Redbridge’s Oliver Hawkins scored but neither Bristol City’s Tammy Abraham or Mansfield Town’s Matt Green could repel its curse is a solid effort indeed.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
An fun-filled 34 minutes for Reading’s Garath MacLeary, missing a penalty, scoring from the rebound and getting a straight red for a tackle best described as ‘unwise’.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Now here’s a thing, the only game where the team leading at half-time lost at full-time was Notts Forest, who went from 1 up to 2 down. Well done to Forest’s manager Phillipe Montelier (I give him until Christmas).

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Colchester United’s Tarique Fosu-Henry and Guiseley’s Reece Webb-Foster are flushing the scholarship plebs’ heads in the toilets, whilst head boy Keanu Marsh-Brown looks on approvingly.

Bendtner!Bendtner!
Another category is defrosted from deep-freeze to celebrate the return of the correctly-maligned striker to these shores. Unlike Bendtner, it’s a timely return as Tyrone Barnett’s winner versus (cough) Charlton Athletic was his first goal in 17 games.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Cowdenbeath v Berwick Rangers, called at 0-2 on 42 min – Finished: 0-2 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Stranraer v Albion Rovers called at 3-0 on 56 min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Motherwell v Hamilton Academical, called at 3-0 on 22 min – Finished: 4-2 – FAILED!

Old SchoolOld School
Chester’s Sam Turner scored at the weekend, beating Dave MacKay to the ball, and slotting the ball past Pat Jennings, probably going into MacKay’s ‘Little Black Book’ for celebrating like a ‘Woofter’ (as they used to say in those dark times…)

Miscellany

A quick return to last year’s category of left-field stadium sponsors with the news that Bradford City’s Valley Parade is no longer the Coral Windows Stadium, it’s now the the Northern Commercials Stadium, so there’s an improvement.

This week’s shirt sponsor is FC Halifax Town’s 2016/17 tie-up with Northern Powerhouse Developments. Despite the club’s proclamations of this being ‘a major sponsorship coup’ rather like Halifax’s promotion hopes, the Northern Powerhouse isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

Sadly it wasn’t a Category this week, but had it been selected, Alex Fisher of Inverness Caledonian Thistle would’ve been perfect for ‘And Stay Out!’, having previously been at Torquay United.

And finally, a ‘Chapeau’ to Motherwell’s Louis Moult, who rolled up a ‘one man good seeing to’, scoring four goals for the Steelmen against Hamilton Accies.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FourBen Marshall (Blackburn Rovers)
Hallam Hope (Bury) x2
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)


FourJonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool)
Souleymane Coulibaly (Kilmarnock)
Tyrone Barnett (AFC Wimbledon)

charlton02
FiveDavid Mooney (Southend United)
Harry Pell (Cheltenham Town)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Josh Wright (Gillingham)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)

Arsenal
OneAnthony Jeffrey (Boreham Wood on loan from Concord Rangers)


FiveDominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon)
Jon Stead (Notts County) x2
Jonathan Forte (Notts County)
Steve Davies (Rochdale)

OVERALL RESULT: SPOILS SHARED BETWEEN THE BLADES AND THE ADDICKS!

Season 4 Game 09 (10-13 September)

THE ‘Play the Ab Fab Sonnet’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Moby (51), Julia Sawalha (48) and Richard Ashcroft (45).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Crewe going Dutch with a goal by Hollands’ {I think this would have made more sense if Danny Hollands’ goal was to level the scoring and not to make it 2-0}
Chris: ‘Owls’ Fletcher Going Straight for goal’ {steven, not Norman Stanley}
Howard: ‘{Jason} Cummings scores for Hibs, he sure knows how to finish’

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Was clearly too preoccupied with taking up two seats (One for itself and one for the shopping from the Co-Op) on a crowded bus to ensure Josh Morris at Scunthorpe United and Barnet’s John Akinde blanked. It did however, remember to drop the boom [a brush?] on Chelsea’s Michy Batishuyi.

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
Motherwell’s Louis Moult. Nuneaton – Wrexham – Motherwell. About 400 miles and three countries.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
Andy Butler scored for Doncaster Rovers on the weekend, I bet he often gets confused with the “Hercules and Love Affair” mainman. But then again, having heard H&LA’s music (they are popular with gentlemen who like other gentlemen and ladies who like other ladies), maybe not. Not in Doncaster…

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
Only one choice here, Leeds 0-1 Huddersfield. The “202 derby”, as only Barney and bus-route afficionados call it.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Ask the York City fans on the return journey after seeing the Minstermen get turned over 2-0 at Torquay. That’ll be a 630-mile round trip ground-to-ground.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Morecambe v Doncaster Rovers, called at 0-2 on 17 min – Finished: 1-5 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Alloa Athletic v Livingston, called on 0-3 on 37 min – Finished: 1-3 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Berwick Rangers v Elgin City, called at 0-2 on 24 min – Finished: 2-4 – FAILED!

Miscellany

“60p” – Howard will probably include this under protest (too right, since it went into retirement as a category), but we actually had sound in our local, so were able to discern call box-quality updates from the Memorial Stadium, home of Bristol Rovers (built in 1921 and a new ground is scheduled for 2019) and Walsall’s Bank’s Stadium (built in 1990, but this is Walsall).

This week’s odd shirt sponsor sees us travel to the Devon Riviera, where Torquay United’s new sponsor are revealed as 420 Skateworld. The club’s website elaborates: ‘The business, which specialises in skate clothing and hardware, footwear, Go Pro’s and watches from leading brands, operates from Newton Abbot, where a warehouse outlet will be opening soon’ And will probably close shortly afterwards after half the denizens of Torquay phone the plod, complaning of ‘Kids, being in the city centre’

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
NineAiden McGeady (Preston North End on loan from Everton)
Chris Maguire (Oxford United) x2
Danny Mayor (Bury) x2
Mark Beevers (Bolton Wanderers)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United) x2
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


FourChristian Burgess (Portsmouth)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Russell Martin (Norwich City)
Souleymane Coulibaly (Kilmarnock)

charlton02
FiveDanny Hollands (Crewe Alexandra)
Marvin Sordell (Coventry City)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers) x2
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)

Arsenal
TwoHenri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest)
Rhys Murphy (Forest Green Rovers)


SixAndy Butler (Doncaster Rovers)
Chris Porter (Colchester United) x2
Dominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon) – counting double against his old club
Jordan Slew (Plymouth Argyle)

OVERALL RESULT: CHRIS STAYS IN THE TITLE RACE WITH A CLEAR VICTORY!

Season 4 Game 08 (2-5 September)

THE ‘Hey DJ, play Uptown Funk by the Luff Machine’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Fearne Cotton (34), Mark Ronson (41) and our very own Stephen Luff (42), all over the weekend.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘{Josh} Law lays it down for Oldham’
Chris: ‘Curtis is the Main man for Portsmouth’
Howard: ‘Who scored for Grimsby? The mind Bogles’ {referring of course to Omar Bogle}

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Dropped into a service station for a scone and a cup of tea after three hours of doing a solid 35 on the motorway (they won’t get there any quicker doing 70…) and also to proclaim maledictions against Millwall’s Steve Morison, Tranmere Rovers’ James Norwood and Queen Of The South’s Derek Lyle. Only the latter scored, but that wasn’t difficult for any Queen of the South player on Saturday…

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Jordan Bowery at Leyton Orient (which is a long old fall from when he signed for Aston Villa from Chesterfield for £750k just three and a half years back).

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
Danny Rowe – Stockport County, Northwich Victoria, Barrow and now Macclesfield Town. Oh the glamour…

Fresh HellFresh Hell
Despite looking rather like Geoffrey from Rainbow, Craig Hignett has something of a steely streak, walking away from Middlesborough after a training ground ‘debate’ with Aitor Karanka. That 6-1 reverse at Stevenage would’ve made for a very entertaining dressing room dressing down…

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Crewe Alexandra’s ex-Owl Ryan Lowe scored at the weekend and has 11 clubs at 37 years of age. He’s the new Jamie Cureton.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Bury v Port Vale called at 3-0 on 27 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Queen of the South v Stenhousmuir called at 3-0 on 31 min – Finished: 7-1 – MULLAHING!
Chris
– called Albion Rovers v St Mirren at 2-0 on 10 min – Finished: 3-4 – FAILED!
[For the sake of clear and full transparency, (like they do at well-known High Street Banks), it needs to be pointed out that Barney’s notes say he called Queen of the South. I am convinced this was an error, hence the change]

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
This can only be Sammie Szmodics at Colchester, though lower league maven [EDIT: “maven”?!] Robbie Simpson at Exeter City is a solid runner-up.

Miscellany

That 6-1 Gubbing of Hartlepool United by Stevenage would’ve seen the away fans travelling 448 miles in the round, easily qualifying for the Where’s Russell? category.

This week’s sponsor sees a visit to the sunny Wirral Riviera, where Tranmere Rovers have struck a shirt sponsor deal with B&M Waste Management. Quoth Chairman Mark Palios:

“It was important to us to get the right partner and from the very first meeting we held it was obvious that there were a great number of parallels in what we are both trying to do, and that by working together we can help each other to achieve our goals’ [How a football club can help B&M in hazardous waste removal is unclear.]

He also certainly did not add ‘A waste management company is a very appropriate sponsor for the team, as the club has gone down the drain since I took over, having been relegated twice and now we’re playing Boreham Wood and North Ferriby, I mean where the bloody hell is North Ferriby for crying out loud, I can’t find it on TomTom, is it like Brigadoon?’

‘I was the boss of the FA once’ Nobody heard him say.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
ThreeHallam Hope (Bury)
Reda Johnson (Eastleigh)
Ryan Lowe (Crewe Alexandra)


ThreeHarry Beautyman (Northampton Town)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
OneJordan Cook (Luton Town)

Arsenal
NilBlank


FourDominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon)
Jonathan Forte (Notts County)
Martyn Woolford (Fleetwood Town)
Michael Tonge (Stevenage)

OVERALL RESULT: IT’S A BELATED EXTRA BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR MR LUFF!

Season 4 Game 07 (26-29 Aug)

THE ‘Hutch’s Seven Up!’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of David Soul (73), director David Fincher (54) and Shania Twain (51).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
“Ouzy See’s way clear to goal”
Chris: *Nothing declared*
Howard: “Scott Robinson  scores for East Fife against his ‘Neighbours'”

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
…had knitted a luvverly balaclava for some poor toddler and was feeling rather better about itself – this resulted in the Dread Hand throwing the handbrake on the previously red-hot Liam Boyce at Inverness Caledonian Thistle and Moses Emmanuel at Dover Athletic, but Jamie Vardy is made of sterner stuff (he played for Stocksbridge Steels!), so defying the supernatural and scoring isn’t a bind.

Pagga!Pagga!
Sadly no, but its time will come – probably when it’s not a category on here.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Walsall’s Jon Whitney (two first names) has all the credentials needed to be a successful manager: learned under Dario Gradi at Crewe, got the Pro Licence at 32 and is now the boss at a club whose board take the long view on team matters. Such new-school theories quite probably flew out of the window of the home dressing room at Banks’ Stadium after the Saddlers transformed a 3-0 halftime lead into a 3-3 draw amid much wailing and gnashing of teeth by the home fans. One hopes the Pro Licence course covered not swearing in your post-match interview…

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
Gary Madine scored for Bolton Wanderers. That should just about cover that category for the foreseeable future. Or at least til Nile Ranger shows up…

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Jay Emmanuel-Thomas at Gillingham, probably toasted the housemaster and avoided being the one called for extra practice. With the housemaster. In the housemaster’s quarters…[thanks Barney, we get the idea. Something you’d like to share with the group?]

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
It’s a shade early for this category because ‘we all know the Championship is a marathon, not a sprint, George’. However, Barnsley are 3rd and Rotherham United are 22nd, so that 4-0 Good Seeing-to administered at Oakwell in South Yorkshire’s first Unpleasant Local Derby of the season, is one of the reasons why.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Chester v Sutton United at 2-0 on 7min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called York City v Woking at 3-0 on 36min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Chesterfield v Millwall called at 0-3 on 40min – Finished:1-3 – FAILED!

Miscellany

A textbook Make Ya Ma Proud moment for debutant Owls midfielder David Jones, who went for a second bookable offence. Also, erstwhile Wolves winger Rajiv Van La Parra wasn’t always a favoured son by either management or fans, so did the new Huddersfield players celebrate scoring against Wolves just 6 minutes in? You betcha. Clearly, It Don’t Mean Nuthin’ to the former Dutch U21 international.

This week’s sponsor: Well, some squillionaire Chairmen out there take over a club and put their company on the team’s shirts. Not really the case at Southend in 2014, where their shirts were bereft of sponsor until chairman Ron Martin’s company, Martin Dawn, stepped in until another backer could be found. The 2016/17 season sees Martin Dawn still sponsoring the Shrimpers whilst Mr Martin perhaps wonders why he has a commercial department at all.

Also it was a big hello to the famous A Trialist, who showed up this time at Montrose in Scottish League Two.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
SevenDanny Mayor (Bury)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)
Grant Holt (Hibernian)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)
Reda Johnson (Eastleigh)


FiveCraig Braham-Barrett (Braintree Town)
Danny Rose (Tottenham Hotspur)
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Harry Beautyman (Northampton Town)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City)

charlton02
FiveBradley Goldberg (Bromley)
Jonjo Shelvey (Newcastle United)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
FiveJay Emmanuel-Thomas (Gillingham on loan from Queen’s Park Rangers) x2
Rhys Murphy (Forest Green Rovers) x3 (2 on Monday)


SevenBilly Clarke (Bradford City)
Chris Porter (Colchester United)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Kingsley James (Macclesfield Town)x3 (1 on Monday)
Ryan Cresswell (Eastleigh)

OVERALL RESULT: SPOILS SHARED BETWEEN THE SHEFFIELDERS!

Season 4 Game 06 (Midweek Madness 23-24 August)

THE ‘General Melchett and Jason King’s Kinky Afro’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Stephen Fry (59), the mighty Peter Wyngarde (either 83, 84 or 87, although his date of birth is also disputed, so this may even be the wrong time of year) and Shaun Ryder (54!)

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Nothing recorded here (or at least, nothing *saved*)

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was strangely absent, possibly at the whist drive in the church hall down the road. Or at a seance in the local scouts’ hut.

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
Northampton’s Alexander ‘Zander’ Diamond. Aberdeen – Oldham – Burton – Northampton. Career team history runs like a hellish Megabus route to London. Not that Megabuses are hellish…OF COURSE….

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
It couldn’t get more blatant than Kinshasa-born Kabongo Tshimanga, who scored for Milton Keynes Dons in the League Cup.

Fresh HellFresh Hell
There can be only one, or maybe three. Tony Pulis.

  • Northampton 1-1 West Brom at Half Time
  • Northampton 2-2 West Brom at Full Time
  • Northampton win 5-3 on penalties after misses from Saido Berahinho (someone might think he isn’t playing for the club anymore…) and James Morrison.

Pulis’ fury dragged the team down to the depths of hell familiar only to Dante and Sean Dyche. He is currently the bookies’ favourite to be the first Premiership manager to be sacked.

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Sorely tempted to put Accrington’s Matty Pearson in this category but he was christened Matthew. EDIT: He is still known professionally as Matty though. As an alternative, maybe the aforementioned Zander Diamond.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Chelsea v Bristol Rovers, called at 2-0 on [unknown] min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Peterborough United v Swansea City, called at 0-3 on [unknown] min – Finished: 1-3 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Stevenage v Stoke City, called at 0-3 on [unknown] min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!

Old SchoolOld School
Billy Bingham at Crewe. Despite his advanced years, the 85 year old former Northern Ireland manager clearly has ‘That extra yard in his head’ Oh hang on, this is the former Dagenham  & Redbridge midfielder, 26. Ho hum.

Miscellany

Nothing to see here Sonny, move along please…

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
ThreeMike Jones (Carlisle United)
Ross Barkley (Everton)
Connor Wickham (Crystal Palace)


One Russell Martin (Norwich City)

charlton02
ThreeCallum Harriott (Reading) x2
Darren Bent (Derby County)

Arsenal
NilBlank! (Keep it up please)


OnePhil Bardsley (Stoke City)

OVERALL RESULT: SPOILS SHARED BETWEEN THE OWLS AND THE ADDICKS

Season 4 Game 05 (19-22 Aug)

THE HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Andrew Garfield(33), Hayden Panettiere (27) and Amy Adams (42).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
“{John} Swift {of Reading} gets there quicker than Brighton’s defence”
Chris: “Hernandez – ready, willing and Abel!”
Howard: “{Bobby} Barr scores late for Raith Rovers  – is this a Late Barr?” {plus several other crackers, which I texted to Barney at the time, but will be unleashing at a later date. Now there’s a threat.)

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Continues the poor form of recent vintage, as Scunthorpe United’s Kevin van Veen and Hibernians’ Jason Cummins (twice, the scoundrel!) got on the videprinter. Only Brentford’s Lasse Vibe (bad Vibe-s?) failed to break the curse.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
A couple of exemplars here, firstly, Reading’s Joey Van Der Burg, who completed an impressive own goal/red card on home debut combination. The equally deserving alternative would be Coventry City’s Jordan Turnbull (on loan from Southampton), who went for a second bookable on debut and saw his team concede 3 goals in the next 10 minutes on their way to a 3-1 reverse.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
None as far as I could discern. Better waiting until the winter months, when the cold weather and body heat will combine for what comes naturally…

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
This accolade was heading towards Accrington’s Aaron Davies, who scored against Exeter City, the team which released him at the end of last season. However, Davies’ thunder was comprehensively stolen by Barnet’s John Akinde (Now 57 in 92 for Barnet) netting against Crawley Town (where he scored 1 in 31)

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– [to be filled in later]
Howard
– called Livingston v Stenhousemuir at 3-0 on 49 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– [to be filled in later]

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Twas Alfie Mawson’s penultimate game for Barnsley, but the centre back scored and became a Swansea City player after the welsh club paid Barnsley £4.5m. It is unknown if this is for the player or for the actual town of Barnsley as either would constitute a reasonable outlay. Whatever, one hopes he’ll now wish to be known as Alfred Mawson, just like Andrew ‘Not Andy’ Cole.

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
Not quite, though Derby v Villa was close, with neither team registering a shot on target in the second half…

Miscellany

This week’s stunning sponsor is what many a priest *allegedly* does, yes Imagine Crusing, proud sponsors of Swindon Town. The Wiltshire town is hardly a nautical hotbed and you’d have thought Brighton would have made more sense in a couple of ways, but there you go.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
SevenChris Maguire (Oxford United)
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)
Tony McMahon (Bradford City) x2


EightArron Davies (Accrington Stanley)
Britt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United)
Nicky Ajose (Charlton Athletic) x2
Scott Wootton (Milton Keynes Dons)

charlton02
ThreeScott Sinclair (Celtic)
Tobi Sho-Silva (Bromley) x2

Arsenal
OneRhys Murphy (Forest Green Rovers)


EightChe Adams (Birmingham City)
Conor Sammon (Heart of Midlothian)
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Kevin McDonald (Fulham)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)
Tony McMahon (Bradford City) x2

OVERALL RESULT: HONOURS EVEN BETWEEN BARNEY’S POSH SIDE AND STEVE’S BLADES