The Seasonally-Adjusted Gameweek IV

The “We Could’ve Done All This At Home HIH League”

Referring of course to the gimmick of PickTV having Saturday’s Premiership games on Freeview

The Categories

Known To The Authorities
Lee Hughes of Port Vale (Death By Dangerous Driving, Common Assault), Troy Deeney of Watford (Affray)

Local Boy Makes Good
Marco Fabiani (Watford)

Fresh Hell
Mick McCarthy after QPR’s last-minute winner

Beehive To Wiggy
Re: Nahki Wells – “that’s 3 in 3” (traditional arrangement: H Quick). Interesting-ish fact about Nahki Wells – his first club at senior level – Dandy Town Hornets. Thought also to have been the other name considered for the rebranded Hull City.

Diamond Lights
FAILED! (“It’s going DOWN the chart…”)

Miscellany

He Shi*s Goals –
Lee Frecklington of Peterborough United (FAILED!), Will Grigg of Brentford (FAILED!), but saved by role-model Troy Deeney of Watford.

Candidates for next week –
James Vaughan (Huddersfield Town) – 4 in 4
Troy Deeney (Watford) – 3 in 4
McKay (Inverness Caledonian Thistle) – 3 in 4
Clarke (Coventry City) – 3 in 3
Richards (Chesterfield) – 3 in 3
Patrick Agyemang (Portsmouth) – 3 in 3
Franck Moussa (Coventry) – 3 in 3

Mr Adjudicator
Called in to assess Franck Moussa’s eligibility as a point-scorer in the HIH League. Result: DENIED!

Quote of the Day:
“I’m going to get as drunk as the referee [at The Emirates]” – H. Quick. Well, it was bloody Aston Villa….and at home…

The Scores On The Doors

Philip Roberts (Falkirk), Goalscoring behemoth Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City), Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest), Robin Bloody van Persie x2 (Manchester United) and Football’s £25m benchwarmer, Samir Nasri (Manchester City)

Andy Reid (Nottingham Forest), Jordan Chappell (Torquay United), Keith Treacy (Burnley), Sam Vokes (Burnley), Darren Byfield (Tamworth) and James Vaughan (Huddersfield Town)

Leon Clarke x2 (Coventry City), Chris O’Grady x2 (Barnsley), Ross Barkley (Everton) and
Lee Grant (Derby County)

Rene Howe (Burton Albion), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United), Andy Crofts (Brighton & Hove Albion), Ben Wright (Salisbury City) and Jeff Hughes (Fleetwood Town)

And introducing….

A late entrant, rather like the U.S. of A. into a World War….CHARLTON ATHLETIC!

Andy Reid (Nottingham Forest), Charlie MacDonald (Oldham Athletic), Leon Clarke (Coventry City) and “the man with Fridge” Kevin Lisbie (Leyton Orient)

We also say a big hello to two new categories – “DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY” and “FIGHTING LIKE BEAVERS“. For further explanation see the Categories page…

OVERALL RESULT: Seasonally-adjusted figures show a three-way tie between Arsenal, Sheffield United and Sheffield Wednesday. But it could have been oh so much worse…

“COMING SOON”

It Dont Mean Nuthin — IT DONT MEAN NUTHIN

August 15, 2013

Gameweek III – When Shall We Three Meet Again….

Thunder and lightning.
Enter three WITCHES.

First Witch
When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Second Witch
When the hurlyburly’s done,
When the battle’s lost and won.

(MACBETH ACT I SCENE I)

There’s yer actual kulcher…or was that him who married Demi Moore for a while…

Anyway, we convened the three c*nts for the first time this season, and here are the results of the Danish Jury…

THE “I DIDN’T KNOW NOTTS COUNTY WERE IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP” HEAD IN HANDS LEAGUE

THE CATEGORIES

MERSONVOUSANGLAIS: FAILED

DAY TRIP TO BRIGHTON: FAILED

WHERE’S ALF-INGE? – Wolves 4 Gillingham 0 (141 miles in a straight line)

LIVE FROM THE PHONE BOX: Tranmere Rovers v Crawley

REVERSE CHURCHILL: Motherwell 1 up after a minute who went to the interval still leading. Cue the inspiring team-talk…and down 3-1 (Close was Eddie Howe – Bournemouth, who were drawing 1-all and went down 6-1. Worthy of a mention.)

MISCELLANY:

Josh Brizzell (Hyde) – sent off twice in 3 games. Also Docherty at Livingston – sent off in successive games.

In keeping with our new radio-friendly approach, the sub-category HE-SH*TS-GOALS now features a strategically-placed asterisk. But we know it is hiding an “i”….

Candidates for next week:

James Vaughan (Huddersfield Town – 3 in 2)
Troy Deeney (Watford, ditto)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town – ditto)
Will Grigg (Brentford – 2 in 2)

three Robin bloody van Persie x2 (Manchester United) – football’s “Mr Loyalty”, Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City)

Mark Yeates (Bradford City), Sam Vokes (Burnley), Nick Blackman (Reading)
Darius Henderson (Nottingham Forest)

Ryan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers), Leon Clarke (Coventry City), Mark Reynolds (Aberdeen)

two David Ball x2 (Fleetwood Town)

RECENT ENTRY CHARLTON – CURRENTLY BEING COUNTED – BARNEY, PLEASE ELUCIDATE!

RESULT

A clear win for Luffy’s Blades despite a late flourish from Arsenal and The Owls.

August 9, 2013

Gameweek II – The Cup Of Doom

Welcome, watchers of illusion, to the pages of confusion…or, the First Round of the Capital One (LEAGUE!) Cup

Kyle Bartley (Birmingham City), Chuks Aneke (Crewe Alexandra), Jo Kuffour (Wycombe Wanderers),
Jordan Wynter (Bristol City)

Danny Crow x 2 (Brighton & Hove Albion), Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United), Sean St Ledger (Leicester City), David Ball (Fleetwood Town)

Richard Hinds (Bury), Enoch Showumni (Notts County)

Kyle Bartley (Birmingham City), Greg Halford (Nottingham Forest), Chris Robertson (Port Vale), Michael Brown (Leeds United), Dominic Poleon (Leeds United)

Again, as at the weekend, there was only one of us around for this, so it didnt get the full treatment. Expect normal service next week!

OVERALL RESULT:- A DRAW BETWEEN BARNEY’S POSH AND LUFFY’S BLADES!

August 8, 2013

Gameweek I – Underwhelming Debut

Something of a whimper than a bang for this first two rounds of this year’s contest.

The results are as follows:

Anthony Stokes x 2 (Celtic), Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest) and Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City)

Grant Holt (Wigan Athletic), Leon Best (Blackburn Rovers) and Rory McArdle (Bradford City)

Lee Frecklington x2 (Rotherham United), Alfie Potter (Oxford United) x2

Anthony Stokes (Celtic) x2, Danny Webber (Accrington Stanley)

NEW ENTRY CHARLTON – STILL BEING RECOUNTED – BARNEY PLEASE DO THE HONOURS….

In the absence of any pre-selected categories, we have:
KNOWN TO THE AUTHORITIES – featuring Troy Deeney (Affray)

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY – Preston North End v Blackpool (17miles)

THE GUB SCALE: No Gubs in the UK leagues, though Wigan did give Barnsley a Damn Good Seeing-to, ditto Orient to Carlisle, Brora to Clachnacuddin and Inverurie Locos to Strathspey Thistle.

However, in the Scottish League Cup, Raith Rovers did us proud, mullah-ing Queen’s Park. Cowdenbeath also duly gubbed Berwick, and Morton gave East Fife a Damn Good Seeing-to.

The Head-In-Hands League

Posts