Season 7 Game 20 (29 November – 2 Dec)

THE ‘Maneater and Womaniser Riot’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Nelly Furtado (41), Britney Spears (38), and Riz Khan (38).

Barney: “[Greg] Draper made it 6-0 to TNS. That’s curtains for Airbus UK.” or “[Tom]Pope hat-trick – is that the holy trinity?”
Chris: “Kevin Nisbet at Dunfermline has 4 today. One-man Gub on the cards? I wouldn’t ‘Nisbet’ against it…” OR re: Keane Lewis-Potter “Barnsley are not ‘Keane’ on Lewis-Potter”
Howard: Glass sent off for Cove Rangers – his glass is half empty” OR “Josh Smile at Maidenhead – gets a red card and sees his team subside from 0-0 to 0-4…He’s not Smile-ing now”

This week’s sacrifices are Eoin Doyle at Swindon Town, Jamie Reid at Torquay United and Christian Doidge at Hibernian.
And our survey says NO [Swindon played on the 23rd and 7th December but not this week!!], NO and oh…er…YES [he will now be looking over his shoulder and hearing every creak of the floorboards….]

A nigh-on impossible category –  nothing this week, sadly, despite a trawl through various match reports.

Poor old Winnie – pressed into action two weeks in a row. Oh well, here goes…

What about Wigan Athletic v Reading? Wigan ahead at the break by a goal to nil.  “Ok lads, just keep doing what you’re doing” – is what manager Paul Cook clearly did not say. Cue a second half hat trick from Reading’s George Puscas and er…. er…well, at least the pies are nice.

Another impossible mission. To get anywhere on this one I would have had to “stay a while…..stayyyyyyyy foreverrrrrrrrr”. That quip will be of course, wasted on millennials. Google Impossible Mission, play it on emulator or even better, on original hardware. Yes, I am covering up the fact that this one is a blank. Problem? For my money this is the one that should go to make up for our upcoming category that still has no name – may I suggest “1 Good 1 Bad” for someone scoring then getting sent off in the same game? It’s better than CWAN (Category Without A Name).

Two results here: Stephen Dobbie of Queen of the South has had 12 clubs, but he is 37, the poor old devil. That would seem to leave the winner as Freddie Ladapo of Rotherham United – 16 clubs at just 26.

Barney – called Dunfermline Athletic v Partick Thistle at 2-0 on 10 min – Finished: 5-1 – NARROWLY FAILED!
AND – just to be greedy – a stealth Lubbock at Airbus UK v TNS called at 6-0 on 46 min [if we did the Welsh Leagues, which we don’t really] but it did end up as 12-0! That’s a Lubbock [LINK]!
– called West Ham United v Tottingham Hotspurs out of spite at 0-2 on 43 min – Finished: 2-3 – FAILED? IT STOPPED THE SCORING!
– called another Spite Gub – Liverpool v Brighton and Hove Albion at 2-0 on 41 min – Finished: 2-1 – NARROWLY FAILED!

A bit of a thin week for this usually-easy category, with only really West Bromwich Albion’s Charlie Austin, and two Frankies (Raymond of Bromley and Kent of Peterborough United) who really fit the bill (or the William…. but NOT Willie).

Annan Athletic got a true Stealth Gub [6-1] in their game with league leaders Cove Rangers as no-one called it.

There was a poorly chosen phrase in Sky’s commentary at the Liverpool game: “Brighton pretty much CAMPED in the Liverpool half”. Get you!

Alex Bruce (Kilmarnock)
Vadaine Oliver (Northampton Town)
Will Keane (Ipswich Town)

Harry Beautyman (Sutton United)
Jonathan Obika (St Mirren)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City)
Reuben Reid (Cheltenham Town)

Brandon Hanlan (Gillingham)
Jonathan Obika (St Mirren)
Jonjo Shelvey (Newcastle United)
Karlan Grant (Huddersfield Town)
Martyn Waghorn (Derby County)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United) x2
Myles Weston (Ebbsfleet United)

Josh Dasilva (Brentford) x3
Rhys Murphy (Yeovil Town)

Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)



Season 5 Game 24 (1-4 December 2017)


THE ‘overprotected? powerless? elimentary!’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Britney Spears (36), Nelly Furtado [steady, Barney!] (39) and Lucy Liu (49).


All successfully deleted by Barney, so I will inflict one made up on the spot on you. So, your prize is…. “[Scott] Tiffoney scores – he has had the Brechin defenders for Breakfast.” [Breakfast…Tiffany…come on, don’t fall asleep…]. Note: Greenock Morton went on to win 4-1.

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Jamille Matt at Grimsby Town [DIDN’T PLAY], Bernard Mensah at Aldershot Town [NO] and Matej Vydra at Derby County [SCORED!]  are this week’s victims. Poor Matej…

Stealth GubStealth Gub
We were all gubless this week.


The original planned categories were And Stay Out!, Claridge Clock, Not A Kid, Make Ya Ma Proud and Day Trip To Brighton.

The Results

Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers) x2
Eddie Nolan (Crewe Alexandra)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)

Craig Mackail-Smith (Wycombe Wanderers)
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United)
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons) x2
Mark Little (Bolton Wanderers)
Nathaniel Knight-Percival (Bradford City)
Nicky Ajose (Bury on loan from Charlton Athletic) x2
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers) x2

Josh Wright (Southend United)
Martyn Waghorn (Ipswich Town)

Henri Lansbury (Aston Villa)

Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra) x2
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon) x2
Marc McNulty (Coventry City)
Matt Done (Rochdale)


Season 4 Game 24 (2-5 December)

THE ‘Dude is Toxic and Paranoid’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Jeff Bridges (67), Britney Spears (35) and Ozzy Osbourne (68).


‘That’s 4 in 5 games, Otis Khan’t stop scoring for Yeovil’
Chris: [Wisely kept his counsel.]
Howard: ‘Another goal for Hearts’ Johnsen – Is he Bjorn again?’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Is enjoying the reruns of Murder She Wrote which appear to be on every channel which starts with a ‘2’ on Sky (and for those not funding the Murdoch regime, almost any ITV Freeview channel). It particularly enjoyed the episode which featured Patrick McGoohan, who as everyone knows was John Steed in The Avengers, Patrick Macnee? No, he was on Emmerdale. Patrick Mower? No?? The curse was also subject to a similar level of confusion, as Liam Mandeville of Doncaster Rovers and Tom Elliott of AFC Wimbledon (twice!) scored, leaving Woking’s Gozie Ugwu as the odd one out.

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Matt Tubbs, along with Richard Brodie, were the original ‘He S@%&s Goals’ in days gone by. The former scored on his debut for Sutton United – his eleventh club (to date).

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
If Catatonia’s guitarist and Barnsley centre-back Marc Roberts doesn’t make the grade then Fulham’s striker and irritatingly nice Coldplay frontman Chris artin certainly will. Technically also, you could have had Simon Walton, now of Guiseley, as his full name is Simon William Walton. Yes, this is BBC Radio 3…

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Scottish cup action here as ‘Plucky’ Beith Rovers were mullahed 6-0 by ‘Rampant’ Greenock Morton. The Bellsdale Park outfit compete in the magnificently named ‘ West Of Scotland Superleague’. That is all.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Swansea City fans were given new heart last week after their spectacular 5-4 victory over Crystal Palace. Alas, Lindsey[?], what football giveth, football taketh away and after their 5-0 gubbing at Spurs, no stirring renditions of ‘Men Of Harlech’ were heard on the return leg of the 381 mile journey, just the occasional expletive regarding Sunderland 2-1 Leicester City.

The award goes to, hmm, Nicklas Bendtner of Nottingham Forest who got his second of the season on Friday, failing that, we’ll go with Leeds United’s Kemar Roofe and his first goal in 21 games for the team with the entirely above-board owner.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
– called Tottenham Hotspur v Swansea City at 3-0 on 48 min – Finished: 5-0 – GUBBED!
– called Stevenage v Doncaster Rovers at 0-3 on 35 min (a great call!) – Finished: 3-4 – FAILED!
– called Norwich City v Brentford, called at 2-0 on 18 min – Finished: 5-0 – GUBBED!


We’ll start with the on-pitch rumble between Jermaine Beckford of Preston North End and Eoin Doyle of, er, Preston North End for which both players received straight reds for violent conduct from a stunned ref and three match bans. After some debate, your honourable panellists deemed this event an ‘Internal Pagga’.

Inspiring words at the break from Liam McDonald saw his Solihull Moors outfit flip a surprise 2-0 away lead into a 6-2 Good Seeing To at the hands of Luton Town in a top-notch Half-time Churchill.

Dylan Nguene Bikey scored on debut for Stirling Albion at the weekend. Bikey’s previous club was the port town of Dieppe, where he was born. This makes not only eligible for Local Boy Makes Good, but […and I’ll let Barney rant from here on in…] being from Dieppe and having a name like that could well be enough for Britain First to protest outside Forthbank Satdium.

This week’s sponsors: It’s been dark, dark, days for the steel industry, none more so than in Scunthorpe, where employees at the old Tata plant were told to accept pay cuts and severe reductions in their pensions or face redundancy. Having chosen to stay in a job they were informed they now worked for the revived British Steel group. Quite what these workers thought of said British Steel shelling out to sponsor Scunthorpe United for the next two years is not recorded but it’ll warm their hearts to know their financial sacrifices aren’t for nothing. [And thus ends the leader in this week’s Socialist Worker…]

The Results

TwoChris Brunt (West Bromwich Albion)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)

EightAlex Pritchard (Norwich City)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Paul Coutts (Sheffield United)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)
Souleymane Coulibaly (Kilmarnock)
Tyrone Barnett (AFC Wimbledon)

FourJay McEveley (Ross County)
Paul Benson (Dagenham and Redbridge)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)
Simon Walton (Guiseley)

ThreeLuke Freeman (Bristol City)
Nicklas Bendtner (Nottingham Forest)
Roarie Deacon (Sutton United)

10Andy Butler (Doncaster Rovers)
Dominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon)
Gary Cahill (Chelsea)
Jay McEveley (Ross County)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Otis Khan (Yeovil Town) x2
Simon Walton (Guiseley)
Steve Davies (Rochdale)