So named because of there is no data in the archives on this one. See, Barney, I knew there was one which was missing! All we have are the scores on the doors. No zingers, no Stealth Gubs, no nuffink….
THE CATEGORIES
Blanker than a MacDonalds employee
Miscellany
Can you believe Meg Tilly was 55 this week? It’s madness, I tell you…
The Results
Barry Corr (Southend United)
Danny Mayor (Bury)
Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town) x2
Deon Burton (Eastleigh)
Gary Gardner (Nottingham Forest, on loan from Aston Villa)
Vadaine Oliver (Mansfield Town on loan from Crewe Alexandra)
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town) x3
Nicky Ajose (Crewe Alexandra, on loan from Leeds United)
Saido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion)
Darren Bent (Derby County, on loan from Aston Villa)
David Mooney (Leyton Orient) x2
Deon Burton (Eastleigh)
Elliot Omozusi (Leyton Orient) – own goal
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town) x3
Michael Smith (Swindon Town)
Scott Sinclair (Aston Villa, on loan from Manchester City)
Yann Kermorgant (Bournemouth)
Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest)
Craig Beattie (Ayr United)
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town) x3
Jon Stead (Bradford City, on loan from Huddersfield Town)
OVERALL RESULT: CHARLTON BLOW EVERYONE ELSE OUT OF THE WATER ON THIS ULTRA-THIN WEEK!
THE WOULD YOU LIKE A JELLY BABY JOLENE HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because the Legend that is Tom Baker was 80 over the weekend, and Dolly Parton, who definitely exists, was 67.
THE CATEGORIES
HE SH*TS GOALS
Stevie May (St Johnstone ) – YES
Nahki Wells (now Huddersfield Town) – YES. 2 in 2 since his transfer.
Michael Moffat – (Ayr United) – FAILED!
HURRICANE GWYNNE!!
Two ticks, writes Barney, but no further description. Obviously this was either a Force 10 on the Beaufort Scale or a very, very hot Steak & Ale pie…
MAKE YA MA PROUD
Striker Steven Craig was officially declared missing on 4 Jan 2014. On his return to Wycombe Wanderers, he was sent off for violent conduct on 24 minutes!
Also Jordan Richards, described by former Hartlepool boss John Hughes as “an inspiration” – is given a straight red on THREE MINUTES.
BEEHIVE TO WIGGY
Barney: “The euphoria’s obviously got to Hyde” (who went down in flames, 6-2 at home) and moments later, Jeff Stelling: “It has gone to Hyde’s heads (their victory last week). They’re losing three-nil now”
FRESH HELL
Mark Hughes, losing 1-0 to Crystal Palace, managed by former boss Tony Pulis. Whichever way this result went, it was always going to end up here.
ARE YOU MY FAG?
Nothing. Maybe it was the servants’ night off…
STEALTH GUB
Chris: Hyde 0-2 Forest Green on 13 min. Finished 2-6. NARROW FAIL!
Howard: Reading 3-0 Bolton on 33 min. Finished 7-1.
SUCCESS AT LAST!!!!
Barney: Shrews 0-3 Rotherham on 21 min. Finished 0-3. FAILED
Miscellany
A special mention in the Highland Football League, for Keith’s impressive and almost total humiliation for the team with just one man – Keith – getting whammed 8-1 at home to the mighty Nairn County.
The Results
Chris O’Grady (Barnsley) x2, Ben Marshall (Blackburn Rovers), Sanchez Watt (Colchester United) x2, James Tavernier (Rotherham United), Barry Corr (Southend United)
Ryan Bennett (Norwich City), Lee Clarke (Welling United)
THE ‘IT’LL BE FRANK BOUGH NEXT’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of all the 70’s celebrities, bondage-loving wife-swapping Frank Bough has not been interviewed by Operation Yewtree detectives, yet housewives favourite Rolf Harris has another 3 charges to answer, taking his total to 16. It would have been more, reminded Stuart Hall, but he neglected to play his joker.
Legal Disclaimer: Parts of the above statement are untrue.
THE CATEGORIES
ZINGER
“Can I stop myself from pointing out Plummer and Batth have scored one after the other? No, I can’t” – Jeff ‘Wiggy’ Stelling
HE SH*TS GOALS
Raheem Stirling (Liverpool) –Yes Tom Eaves (Shrewsbury Town) – No Danny Kedwell (Gillingham) – No
PAGGA!
FAILED!
MERSON VOUS ANGLAIS
Nothing much to speak of, just a message from Barney which was garbled in tribute to The Merse which read: “kamara: hull are stuffing them out at the moment”. Not quite like Merson’s Boxing Day triumph, where everyone’s name got mangled (even the English ones) and New Years’, calling Willian “Will-i-am”…
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY
Burnley v Blackpool. Well, it is in Lancashire, so say no more… 😉
WHERE’S ALF INGE?
Luton 4-2 Gateshead (218 miles in a straight line)
LIVE FROM THE PHONE BOX
Bristol Rovers v Portsmouth. Apparently, the minimum call in 2000 was just 10p you know…
STEALTH GUB
BARNEY: Called the stealth gub at liverpool 3-0 Cardiff on 41 mins, which finished 3-1 Nobody else’s views were recorded, but I’m sure I was out for this. I put this down to rampant egomania…or the fact that my selection utterly failed (more likely)….
Miscellany
Courtney Meppen-Walter fired by Manchester City after pleading guilty to causing death by dangerous driving, gets let out on probation, then a straight red in his second game for Carlisle. In fairness, it was on 87 minutes and Walsall had already got two goals, but still…… *applause*… *P45*….maybe…
The award for most one-sided game this gameweek goes to Celtic’s match against Hearts. Total shots: Celtic 19 (9 on target) versus 1 (none on target). It would make a fitting punchline for their shirt sponsors to be Specsavers, but disappointingly, it’s controversial pay-day loan company Wonga.
A quick mention for a few Gubs (and more): Aldershot 6-0 Tamworth (Conference Premier) – A home Mullah-ing! Inverurie Loco Works 7-0 Rothes (Highland League) – A Home WHAM! Lossiemouth 0-5 Nairn County (Highland League) – An Away Gub
The Results
Ross Barkley (Everton), David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town), Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers), Leon Clarke (Coventry City), Chris Sedgwick (Bury), Deon Burton (Scunthorpe United)x2, Ryan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers)
THE GOOD THE BAD AND IT WAS DEFINITELY OVER THE LINE-HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because Eli Wallach was 98 and Geoff Hurst was 72 over the weekend.
THE CATEGORIES
HE SH*TS GOALS
Sam Winnall (Scunthorpe United) – 9 goals in his last 23 games in all competitions, and 2 in the last 3 games – Didnt play
Danny Kedwell (Gillingham) – 10 in 23 – FAILED!
Rory Loy (Falkirk) – 9 in 19 – FAILED!
FIGHTING LIKE BEAVERS
FAILED!
MAKE YA MA PROUD
Angel (Ángel Martínez Cervera) coming on as a substitute in the 67th minute, gets two yellows in a space of three and a half minutes…and it’s an early bath on 87. Mind you, this being Blackpool, the bath was already fairly crowded! Total time on the field – 20 minutes 9 seconds.
REVERSE CHURCHILL
Paul Ince (back from his stadium ban) – 1 nil up, 5-1 down, and 8 men left on the field as his side get a Good Seeing-to from Derby
WE”LL MEET AGAIN
FAILED – despite the lower age-limit
WHERE’S ALF INGE?
FAILED
STEALTH GUB
Chris: Plymouth Argyle v Welling United on 21 min at 3-0. Full-time score 3-1. FAILED!
Howard: Kidderminster Harriers v Newport County on 45 in at 3-0. Finished 4-2. FAILED!
Barney: Alfreton Town v Luton on 14min at 0-3. Full-time score 5-0. GUB!!!
Miscellany –
David Mooney sent off for 2 bookings in stoppage time in Orient’s game at Walsall. Wonder if he bared his…etc…
Also worthy of a mention was Spartans of the Lowland League, who beat Selkirk 11-2. That’s a Dry Wyngarde, folks!
The Results
Joey O’Brien (West Ham United) og, Isaiah Osbourne (Blackpool), Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town), David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town), Danny Pugh x2 (Leeds United),
Michael Morrison (Charlton Athletic) og
Jeff Hughes (Fleetwood Town), Danny Andrew (Macclesfield Town), Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United),
Scott Rendell (Woking)
Paul Benson (Luton Town)
Kyle Bartley (Birmingham City), Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Steve Sidwell (Fulham), Jay GOAL MACHINE Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City), Marouane THIS IS NOT A MISPRINT Chamakh (Crystal Palace), Guy ‘NOOOOOOOOO!’ Demel (West Ham United) og,
Luke ‘HOW MANY MORE?’ Freeman
Kyle Bartley (Birmingham City), Craig Beattie (Dundee),
Chris Robertson (Port Vale), Anthony Stokes (Celtic)
OVERALL RESULT: POINTS SHARED BETWEEN HOWARD AND CHRIS SO HALF EACH FOR THE OWLS AND ARSENAL
THE SOUTHERN JOHN GWYNNE, TONY MILLARD R.I.P. HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
As this link from his beloved Brighton & Hove albion site, points out, the broadcasting world lost a shouty, but somewhat unsung hero… (LINK)
The piece of string between two cups, one in Sheffield and one in Penzance snapped at the weekend, leaving me with no pre-done categories.
(EDIT) Fortunately(…or not…) it came back, texts bursting forth from my phone, voicemails galore, and so here…
The Categories
However, in true showbiz fashion, the show must go on. Here are a few snippets of Categories for this week that might have been…
DARWINISM IN ACTION
Failed!
ARE YOU MY FAG? Keanu (the male chav-equivalent of Chelsea) Marsh-Brown at Barnet
IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’
Adam Currington (Cambridge United) against former club Tamworth, and more impressively, a double I.D.M.N. by Yann Kermorgant and Michael Morrison, who both scored for Charlton Athletic against their old club Leicester City.
LIVE FROM THE PHONE BOX Failed. Obviously the BBC can afford better telephony. However, I didn’t hear any reports on Sky either…
CROOKES/KILBANE(MERSON)VOUXANGLAIS None detected on Sky, but as for the BBC’s pale imitation of Soccer Saturday, take it away Mr Bell….
Here are the other categories that would’ve made it, but for the (LATE!) official selection courtesy of young Neil…
DAY TRIP TO BRIGHTON
Andy Procter (Bury) scoring an own goal for Cheltenham Town as well as scoring at the right end
FIGHTING LIKE BEAVERS Not sure if this counts, but Ayr United, who went down to nine men 55 minutes into their game with Airdrieonians, managed to hold on for a 2-2 draw .
DIAMOND LIGHTS Again, not sure if he’s famous enough (he does have his own Wikipedia entry though!) – Paul Quinn (Singer / East Stirlingshire forward)
There seems to be an unexpected, but welcome return – A TRIALIST. He’s a busy man – scoring in Rangers’ gubbing of East Fife and getting booked in the Clyde game, which featured A’s brother B playing for the opposing side Elgin. B Trialist also ended up in the referee’s book. “How do you spell ‘B’…”
OVERALL RESULT: A WIN OUTRIGHT FOR CHRIS’ OWLS! WELL DONE, SIR…
Barry Corr (Southend United)
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town) x3
Darren Bent (Derby County, on loan from Aston Villa)
Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest)
