THE ‘Breakout and Show Your Bones for Halloween’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Miley Cyrus (29), Karen O (42) and Jamie Lee Curtis (62).
Barney: [Denying the evidence of any Zingers as much as Trump denies he lost the Presidency.]
Chris: [Zinger is self-isolating for 14 days. That’s 14 Venusian days, of course]
Howard: “Diego’s goal has Hand-ed a draw to Celtic” [Diego Laxalt, who I’m sure has never cheated like Maradona did].
But you can always rely on our deathless friend from Hecate’s lair to be around. The past few days have seen it in a rather despondent mood, as it fervently believed global Armageddon was just round the corner whilst the soon-to-be former President was in charge. Turns out the vice-president was the one who had the ‘red button’ responsibility all along. Those Christians have always had the last laugh on us, it’s been that way for over 2000 bloody years now’, bemoaned the darkling.
Shaking what remained of its fist at those above the sky, it will have slightly heartened by preventing Aston Villa’s Ollie Watkins and Torquay United’s Danny Wright from scoring, though Norwich City’s Teemu Pukki did get on the scoresheet to prevent the clean sweep.
(In the style of Geoffrey Palmer RIP) Gary Madine. Incidents in Sheffield. David Goodwillie. Wrong time, wrong bed. Said category. Both over qualified.
Scunthorpe United’s Manny Onariase was the original choice here, but this was scuppered by the small matter of him being born in Croydon. So instead it’s going to be Notts County’s striker Ruben Rodrigues, born in North-Western Portugal. Bet he’s always wanted to score at the Technique Stadium, the home ground of Chesterfield.
Best out there would be Neil Harris’ return to Millwall as Cardiff City boss, where he saw Kieffer Moore (Keiffer Roberto Francisco Moore, no less) equalise against the London Lions. Was this just a flimsy excuse to mention Moore’s middle names? You betcha.
Quite a few names who’ll be feeling ‘just oright’ after scoring over the weekend. They also got a goal for their clubs (ba-boom-tish).
Pick your winner from Solly March of Brighton [note: as this is short for Solomon, does it count?], Cauley Woodrow of Barnsley, Dior Angus at Barrow or Reeco Hackett-Fairchild of Bromley.
Barney – [nothing recorded] – Finished – FAILED!
Howard – called Leyton Orient v Harrogate Town at 3-0 on 73 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Chris – called Fleetwood Town v Plymouth Argyle at 3-0 on 45[HT]min – Finished: 5-1 – FAILED!
One wonders if Cheltenham’s Matty Blair or St Johnstone’s Stevie May have ever heard the above admonition. Looking at May’s Wikipedia picture of the striker in his Preston days he may well have also been advised to ‘Get a haircut too’
Those of you who suffered through last week’s edition will recall Barney’s rant about a Claridge Clock winner par excellence being a veteran who’d played for some clubs in far-flung places such as India or Korea.
No sooner said than done – Stranraer’s Daryl Duffy scored on Saturday. 17 clubs at 36 years old including not one but three Indian clubs in Salgaocar, Goa and Mohun Bagun.
Appropriate really, that Duffy’s latest club is itself out in the sticks as far as Scottish football goes – the nearest major club to the Stair Park outfit is Cliftonville, who play in the Northern Irish leagues.
Bournemouth 0-2 Reading at Half-time. 45+ minutes later it’s Bournemouth 4-2 Reading at the final whistle. That was a Reverse Churchill for the ages delivered by Royals boss Veljko Paunovic. One of those Reading goals was scored by forward Sone Aluko and that’s his first in 18 months. The ex-Hull City man would’ve easily achieved the rare-as-rocking-horse-poo BENDTNER! A category so scarce we kind of forgot all about it because no striker ever really qualified. Ho Hum.
Another double category whammy coming up as Chesterfield v Notts County is an absolute humdinger of an Unpleasant Local Derby which (after the Spireites conceded goals in the 91st and 93rd minutes to lose 2-3) saw a round of Fresh Hell from caretaker boss John Dungworth [great name] as he saw first hand why John Pemberton is the former Chesterfield boss:
‘It was very, very disappointing. I thought we played really well at times today but obviously the game lasted for 95 minutes and we’ve failed to go the distance by conceding three goals from set-pieces which is criminal really’
‘We’ve been practicing free kicks both for and against but people haven’t done their jobs and it’s a lack of professionalism that we can’t see a game out’
A bunch of types who were asked of them Are You My Fag? The head boys could’ve chosen from Connor Lemonhaigh-Evans at Torquay United, Reeco Hackett-Fairchild of Bromley, Ethan Ebanks-Landell of Shrewsbury Town, Danilo Orsi-Dadomo of Maidenhead United, Jake Doyle-Hayes of St Mirren or Jerome Binnom-Williams of Barnet to put together an impromptu game of Fives.
Sean McConville’s been quite the dedicated servant of Accrington Stanley over the past decade. So much so that with his substitute appearance on 66 minutes being his 309th in Accy Stan’s colours, breaking the previous record. T’was but a regrettable cameo show from the midfielder, who saw a straight red on 71 minutes for a studs-to-stomach challenge on Lincoln City’s Louis Montsma.
A rather awkward way to celebrate a record, but one we approve of. Make Ya Ma Proud, Mr McConville.
Fleetwood Town 5-1 Plymouth Argyle. That was 651 miles and just over 12 hours of driving time there-and-back that the Pilgrims’ hardcore didn’t have to waste anything on. COVID, in this case, was a blessing as no-one had to resort to asking Where’s Russell?
Finally, not a category, but Kevin Ellison, 41, (just the 15 clubs to his name) scored the winner for Newport County on Saturday against Port Vale. We often look to Newport’s manager, Mike Flynn, 18 months younger than Ellison, for Fresh Hell material but he was positively chipper after the game (relatively speaking):
‘We’ve had over 60% possession and 25 or so shots but we didn’t test their goalkeeper enough…But that’s the only down point, the substitutes came on and I thought they were excellent and gave us that little bit of a push in the final third….As for Kevin Ellison, he’s a fantastic professional and that’s why he’s playing at level at the age he is’
Chris Lines (Northampton Town)
Gary Madine (Blackpool)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Lucas Joao (Reading)
Stevie May (St Johnstone)
Darren Lyon (Queen’s Park)
Jerome Binnom-Williams (Barnet)
Kane Ferdinand (Woking)
Luke James (Barrow)
Mark O’Hara (Motherwell)
Rhys Bennett (Carlisle United)
Ezri Konsa (Aston Villa)
Josh Magennis (Hull City) x2
Naby Sarr (Huddersfield Town)
Reeco Hackett-Fairchild (Bromley on loan from Portsmouth)
Chuks Aneke (Charlton Athletic)
Craig Eastmond (Sutton United)
Danny Welbeck (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Theo Walcott (Southampton on loan from Everton)