Season 4 Game 37 (10-13 Feb)

THE ‘The Bandit’s Horrible Boss has No Regrets’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Burt Reynolds (81), Jennifer Aniston (48) and Robbie Williams (43)


This segment had the best outcome possible in that no zingers were noted. Result!
Chris: [No comment]
Howard: The above comment is probably lies.

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Noted the fourth anniversary of Pope Benedict’s resignation with a heavy sigh as the Dark Side had a great deal of hope for him. It did, however, put aside its malaise to inflict one of its own on Bristol Rovers’ Ellis Harrison, Luton Town’s Isaac Vassell and Annan Athletic’s Peter Weatherson, which only the latter could defeat. But then again this is Annan and they’re made from gir-durrs, and have almost developed an immunity.

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
Delighted to report a winner in the visage of Southport’s Jamie Allen (note: is “Not A Kid Anymore”). Fleetwood Town-Barrow-Fylde-Southport. [EDIT: Not sure if this qualifies with Fleetwood and Barrow being on opposite coasts…]

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Clyde’s David Gormley took the gold here, having being released at the end of last season by Ayr United. Dropping down a division into the land of part-time football and ‘A Trialist’ territory, Gormley will have enjoyed scoring the very late equaliser against The Honest Men. And he did it again in the midweek replay to boot.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
It’s a new entrant to the category as my forensic (emphasis on ‘sick’) investigation reveals Oldham Athletic’s veteran centre-back Peter Clarke is the namesake of Siouxsie and the Banshees/Creatures drummer Budgie. [EDIT: Nothing to do with Adam Faith…]

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Fairly confident about Aberdeen’s Shaleum Logan qualification here, and shortening his name to Shay as Sky sports did on Saturday doesn’t really rescue the midfielder from the world of T.O.W.I.E., tattoos, (Staffordshire Bull) Terriers and Tulisa. Portsmouth’s Kai Naismith makes for a solid backup just in case it gets ‘tricky, bruv’.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
– called Southport v Dagenham & Redbridge at 1-3 on 68 min – Finished: 1-4 – FAILED!
– called Mansfield Town v Hartlepool United at 2-0 at 68 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
– had somewhere else to be – FAILED!

Old SchoolOld School
Nearly had to go with a technicality[EDIT: or “long shot”], as Neeskens Kabano, clearly named after Johan Cruyff’s midfield bodyguard in Rinus Michels’ magnificent ‘Total Football’TM Dutch team on the 70s. However, his Cottagers compadre Denis Odoi scored his first for Fulham later in the game against Wigan Athletic, a nifty bit of footwork leaving Doug Coutts stranded as he finished past the helpless Johnny Brown for the winner against the Springfield Park outfit.


Another ‘Unpleasant Local Derby/Paul Robinson!!!!’ combination was noted with Fleetwood Town 0-0 Rochdale, and one shot on target each.

Walsall’s veteran fullback James O’Connor own goal on Saturday was a leveller in more than one way in that he has achieved parity in own goals scored and goals scored with 8 each in 388 league games.

And we tip our hats to Robbie Cundy’s own goal/red card combination for Southport.

Jobsite are this week’s sponsor, as they’ve put up the necessary ackers to have their name on the front of Portsmouth’s shirts for the next two years. It’s helpful to know that if you need a zero-hour job, the place to look is emblazoned on a shirt worn by someone on four figures a week. [EDIT: over £1000 per week…… these days…? at Portsmouth.,,,? …are you sure??]

The Results

FiveAiden McGeady (Preston North End on loan from Everton) x2
Chris Lines (Bristol Rovers)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)

FourAlex Pritchard (Norwich City) x2
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Jon Taylor (Rotherham United)

FiveDarren Bent (Derby County) x2
Kevin Foley (Coventry City) o.g.
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Martyn Waghorn (Rangers)

OneLuke Freeman (Queen’s Park Rangers)

SixJohn-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town) x2
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Kingsley James (Macclesfield Town)
Nicky Law (Bradford City)
Sean McGinty (Torquay United)


Season 3 Game 35 (12-15 Feb)


So named because of the weekend birthdays of Robbie Williams (42), Chrstina Ricci (36) and Simon Pegg (46).


Zingers are off the menu this week due to a combination of skivey excuses

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Neither Jordan Rhodes (Middlesbrough), Lewis Hoult (Motherwell) or Matt Taylor (Bristol Rovers) troubled the scorers

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Jordan Bowery (Oxford United). Released by Rotherham United who had spent £600,000 on him the season before. There was no reason to mention that except to poke fun at the random signing policy of Steve Evans.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
To the far north – Annan Athletic, in fact, where young midfielder Ben Jago went on 90 minutes for violent conduct, after coming on as a sub. His contribution totalled approx 26 minutes. Montrose score the resultant penalty and equalise with the last kick of the game.

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
Blank. Maybe it’s a fault with Contactless Cards…

Fresh HellFresh Hell
Mark Yates (a regular here), the former Chelteham boss and now manager of Crawley Town. It was 1-1 at the time of the “Mega-Pagga” (see below) but the team collapsed to a 4-1 defeat. At the end, it was 10 vs 10.

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Initially we might have had to go with Troy Deeney but Baily Cargill (Coventry City, on loan from Bournemouth) easily took the cake here

Stealth GubStealth Gub
– called Coventry City v Bury at 3-0 on 21 min – Finished – 6-0 GUB ACHIEVED! (a Mullah-ing, in fact)
– called Kidderminster v Macclesfield at 3-0 on 25 min – Finished – 3-1 FAILED!
– called Blackpool v Shrewsbury Town at 0-3 on 34 min – Finished – 2-3 FAILED! 


Brought to you by the appropriately-named Wham Stadium – Accrinngton’s Shay McCartan and Crawley’s Simon Walton were singled out by the referee as the main offenders in a SEVENTEEN MAN BRAWL, which led to 9 minutes of injury time. Star of the show has to be Accrington’s Jason Mooney, who received a straight red for foul and abusive langugage. Mooney is the reserve goalkeeper and was not even on the pitch.

Emile Heskey, veteran lump/alleged striker, has, amongst his the middle names, Ivanhoe. Really.

The Results

NilA rare clean sheet!

FourLiam Dickinson (Guiseley)
Nathaniel Knight-Percival (Shrewsbury Town)
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town) x2

TwoKyel Reid (Bradford City, on loan from Preston North End)
Michael Smith (Portsmouth, on loan from Swindon Town)

ArsenalTwoEmmanuel Adebayor (Crystal Palace)
Kolo Toure (Liverpool)

10Billy Paynter (Hartlepool United)
Danny Philliskirk (Oldham Athletic)
Jamie Murphy (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Kyel Reid (Bradford City, on loan from Preston North End)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon) x2
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)
Scott Boden (Newport County)
Seamus Conneely (Accrington Stanley)
Steve Davies (Bradford City)